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Randy Cunningham...Darrell Hammond
(Cunningham is sitting behind glass with phone up to his ear, talking to camera, which we assume is the viewing audience) Randy Cunningham: Hello, everyone. I’m Randy “The Duke” Cunningham. Many of you may not know me, but I was once a member of the House of Congress. I was forced to resign a year ago after the government found out that I had made....well, made a few mistakes. We all make mistakes, really. Now, I want everybody to know, that I am going quietly with this one. I’m ashamed of what I’ve done, and I’m not trying to put the blame on anybody but myself. But, when you look at it, was it really that big of a deal? Let’s face it, I got caught. That’s the only difference between me and my fellow politicians. Still, I don’t lay the blame on anybody but myself; although, I was just going with the crowd. (winks) I had a good thing going, though. But, it’ll all be gone in a few months. My giant mansion, my yacht, everything. Oh, no, I’m not complaining. Not in the least bit, but it kind of makes you think. You know, maybe the government should look into other congressmen’s affairs. I don’t know. Again, I’m not blaming anybody. Just myself, and the people who told me that they do it all of the time and would never get caught. I won’t name names, because they are not at fault. Not any of the people on Capitol Hill. But, it wouldn’t hurt to check their tax records, either. Prison is nice. I enjoy the three meals a day, combined into one. Maybe I can lose this spare tire I have down here. I go into the weight room often, and hopefully, I can make some friends around here so I can bench press weights without having to be incredibly nervous at the same time. And come on, I don’t have to throw away a suit I’ve worn just once; I can wear the same grubby orange jumper for a whole week without it ever getting cleaned. Call this roughing it, or whatever you will, but I feel great. I may be ashamed of what I did, taking bribes from all of those contractors and lawyers, but if I were to do it all again, I would. Look at where I ended up. I’m going to get better treatment in here than I would have a nursing home, which I find ironic, since I had one knocked down to put up my 7,000 square foot tudor mansion. Is that the definition of ironic, or is it a coincidence? Ah well, I bribed my way into an education, too. I have to get going now. I have about eight years to go, and the tallies on the wall are going to begin soon. I have just one more thing to say...(squinting at cue cards)...Oh, God, don’t let me say that! You know what they’ll do to me in here? They’ll tear me apart. Emotionally, phsyically, and sexually. It’s just too awful, and I won’t stand for it. Nope. No. (guard comes from behind and starts hitting his billy club into hand) Okay. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
