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Peter Allen...Will Forte Mr. Nelson...Chris Parnell Ms. Richardson...Natalie Portman Mr. Roberts...Kenan Thompson [SCENE: A Hollywood studio's screening room. Three executives, Ms. Richardson, Mr. Nelson, and Mr. Roberts, are seated in the darkened screening room watching a film. The film is an adventure comedy entitled "Rick Maxwell's Roadtrip to Atlantis." The opening segment has just finished and the opening credits sequence has started to play.] [As the opening credits play over a lively audio-track, Mr. Nelson leans over to his fellow executives.] Mr. Nelson: [whispering in an excited tone] Wow, that was an amazing teaser! It came together exactly as written! Ms. Richardson: I know! I'm so glad we green-lit this picture! Mr. Roberts: [nodding his head in agreement] We're going to have to increase its advertising budget. This is gonna be huge! [We then cut to a view of the movie screen. The executives continue to whisper inaudibly amongst themselves over such credits as "Casting Director: Bill Tomlinson, C.S.A." and "Special Effects by Industrial Light and Magic." Suddenly, however, a credit comes up that reads "Screenplay by Peter Allen and God."] [The camera quickly cuts back to the executives] Mr. Nelson: [confused] Wait, did that just say... Ms. Richardson: [disbelief] I-I think it did! [to the projectionist, off-camera] Stop the film! Take it back to the screenplay credit and pause it! [The projectionist follows Ms. Richardson's instructions and pauses the film at the "Screenplay by Peter Allen and God" credit. The trio stares at it for a moment until Ms. Richardson speaks.] Ms. Richardson: Is this a joke? Did one of you guys slip this in? [angrily] This isn't funny! Mr. Nelson: I didn't do this! Mr. Roberts: [in a challenging voice] Oh, no? Weren't you the one who planted "Makeup by Ned Assface" in our last movie? And what about the "Cinematography by Sin E. Matograper" credit? Any of those ring a bell? Mr. Nelson: Yes, but I had nothing to do with this one! Honest! [Ms. Richardson raises her hands up into the air to calm the others] Ms. Richardson: Okay, everyone just hold on. Let me check the printed copy of the credits sequence. [Ms. Richardson reaches down and rifles through some papers by her feet. She quickly finds the paper she is looking for inside of a file folder and then begins scanning the sheet.] Ms. Richardson: [while reading] Hang on...There it is! It says the same thing! It's official! [in a confused tone] But what does it mean? Should we call the executive producer? Mr. Nelson: Which one? There are eighty of them. [sighing] It's just too easy to become an EP in today's world... Mr. Roberts: Why don't we just go to the source? Let's get Peter Allen in here. [SCENE: Mr. Roberts' office, One hour later; Mr. Roberts is seated behind his desk while Mr. Nelson and Ms. Richardson sit on his couch.] Mr. Roberts: He should be here any second... [Suddenly, a knock comes from the door.] Mr. Roberts: Come in! [The door opens and Peter Allen enters] Mr. Roberts: Ah, Mr. Allen. It's great to see you. Have a seat. Peter Allen: Oh, sure. Nice to see you guys too. [Peter Allen walks over and sits in the seat in front of Mr. Roberts' desk.] Peter Allen: So, what's up, guys? What's so important that we had to meet on a Sunday afternoon? Mr. Roberts: Well, Peter, I'll get right to the point. We just screened the final cut of your movie... Peter Allen: [excitedly] Oh, so you guys finally saw it? That's great! It came out exactly as it was written, don't you think? Mr. Nelson: Yes, it did, Peter, but we sort of need you to clarify something for us. Who exactly is supposed to be credited as having written the movie? Just you, right? You didn't have a partner or anything like that... Peter Allen: Right -- Mr. Nelson: [relieved] Great! That's a relief -- Peter Allen: [quickly] -- But God helped me. [The three executives sit there dumbfounded. Mr. Nelson eventually summons the strength to speak.] Mr. Nelson: [baffled] God helped you?! Peter Allen: Yeah. He helped me out, so I thought it was only fair that he get a co-authorship credit. I'm proud to say that it was my idea. Ms. Richardson: And the Writer's Guild was okay with this? Peter Allen: Oh yeah, sure. They were a little hesitant at first, but then I said it was for a movie that you guys were producing, and they were cool with it. One of them said something like, "That'll teach them for making 'The Adventures of Mr. Ruffle and Mrs. Cheeto," but I think he was only kidding. [Mr. Nelson buries his heads in his hands and shakes his head] Mr. Nelson: [muttering to himself] I wish he was. Peter Allen: So wait, you guys don't have a problem with giving God credit, do you? Mr. Roberts: [reassuringly] No, no, no....[pause] Well, a little. You see, Peter, we don't want to offend anyone. I mean, Ms. Richardson here is Jewish. Peter Allen: Oh, I don't realize that. [to Ms. Richardson] So, ARE you offended? [Ms. Richardson thinks for a moment and shrugs her shoulders] Ms. Richardson: You know, not really. I guess just seeing it there sort of startled me, but I can't say that I'm offended as a Jewish person. But I am wondering what you mean when you say that God helped you. Peter Allen: Oh, that's easy. See, I talk to God and he talks to me. So, when I have an idea, I run it by him and get his feedback. He also contributes his own ideas. You know that sequence with the singing ketchup bottle? All his. I'd say at least 40% of the script is completely his work. He's a very creative guy. [The three executives are rendered speechless yet again. After a moment, Mr. Roberts speaks] Mr. Roberts: So, God talks to you all the time? Peter Allen: Yeah, of course. From right when I wake up in the morning to right when I go to bed. He even wakes me up, so I've saved a bunch on alarm clocks. Then he directs me on what to do each day. Like today he told me the fastest way to get here so I wouldn't keep you guys waiting. I would have taken the freeway, but he let me know of some quick backroads that no one knows about. [Peter looks up towards the ceiling] Thanks, G! Mr. Roberts: [astounded] Okay, give us a moment, Peter. Peter Allen: Oh, sure. [The executives huddle together in the corner of the room] Mr. Roberts: [whispering angrily] You guys didn't tell me he was so religious! Ms. Richardson: I didn't know! Mr. Nelson: Me neither! But what can we do about it? Mr. Roberts: [shaking his head negatively] I don't know. Let's just give him out of here and we'll try to think of something. [The group gets out of the huddle. Mr. Roberts is about to speak with Peter Allen, but he notices that Peter is talking to himself.] Peter Allen: [seemingly to himself] Oh, really? Are you sure? [pause] Wow, that's insane. I guess I can tell them. But do you think -- Mr. Roberts: [interrupting] Uh, Peter? Are you free? Peter Allen: Oh, yes. Sorry about that. God waits for no man, even Hollywood executives. Mr. Roberts: [creeped out] Right...Well, it looks like we're finished here, Peter. Thank you...and God...for your time. Peter Allen: Oh sure, no problem. See you guys at the premiere in two weeks. It's gonna be huge! [pause] Oh, Ms. Richardson, God says to tell you that your husband is cheating on you with your daughter's best friend. He doesn't recommend going home early today unless you want to catch them in the act. [pause] Actually, it's their fifty-sixth act to be precise. [Ms. Richardson's jaw drops and she sits there in shock as Peter Allen exits] Mr. Nelson: Well, what do we do now? The WGA signed off on it, so we can't remove the credit. [Ms. Richardson snaps back to reality and chimes in] Ms. Richardson: Well, why don't we just decrease the font size for the "and God" part? Mr. Nelson: No, the rules say that you can't diminish the credit like that. Otherwise the person could sue us. Ms. Richardson: Do you really think God would sue us? [thoughtful pause] What am I saying?! Mr. Nelson: Well, there's got to be some way out of this... Mr. Roberts: Hold the phone, people. I think I have the answer. Here's what we'll do.... [SCENE: The premiere of "Rick Maxwell's Roadtrip to Atlantis." We are inside a darkened movie theater. The opening segment of the movie has just been shown, and the opening credits sequence has begun.] [We see the three executives sitting amongst the audience looking around nervously. They all take a deep breath as we cut back to the movie screen as the screenplay credit is about to be shown.] Mr. Roberts (VO): [to himself] Here goes nothing... [The awaited credit comes up, and it reads as follows: "Screenplay by Peter Allen and God (not Mohammed)."] [The audience becomes dead-silent as we quickly cut to the three executives smiling confidently.] [We then cut to scenes of violent religious protesting, including people holding such banners as "Death to America and the people who green-lit 'Rick Maxwell's Roadtrip to Atlantis!"] [FADE OUT] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
