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Susan...Natalie Portman Female Coworker...Kristen Wiig Andrew...Seth Meyers Male Coworker...Jason Sudeikis (takes place in office) (Susan is laughing with female coworker) (cut to Andrew talking with coworker) Andrew: Man, that Susan is really cute. She’s a catch, I’m telling you. Male Coworker: Why don’t you go up to her? Andrew: I don’t know. I’ve had some bad experiences with women in the past few months. Male Coworker: What are you talking about? Weren’t you dating that Maria girl a couple of weeks ago? Andrew: Yeah, but she turned out to be a G-U-Y. Male Coworker: (shocked) WHAT????!!!! Andrew: Yup. A Giddy Uruguayan Yuppie. Maybe I’m just too picky. Male Coworker: (relieved) Oh. Well, you have to start settling down at some point. Andrew: I hear you. But, this girl is so beautiful. Do you think she would go out with me? Male Coworker: Andrew, you have to find her likenesses. (cut to her laughing again with female employee) Andrew: That laugh is just so intoxicating. I have to have her. Male Coworker: Hey, I’ll see you later. (male coworker leaves, Andrew approaches two girls) Susan: I don’t care what anybody says: How I Met Your Mother is the greatest sitcom ever. Period. Female Coworker: I totally agree. (Susan laughs) Andrew: Hey, what’s going on? Susan: (somewhat annoyed) What’s that supposed to mean? Andrew: Uh....um... Susan: (aping) Uh....um...what’s your deal? We were having a pleasant conversation here. Andrew: I’m sorry. Female Coworker: It’s alright. I have to go to the copier room. Anybody need copies? Andrew: Uh, no, thanks. Susan: No, thanks. (female coworker leaves, and Susan and Andrew are left in awkward situation) Andrew: So, your name is Susan, huh? Susan: What gave it away? People calling me Susan all day long, or the copper name plate on my desk that I sit at every day at work. Andrew: The name plate, mostly. Um, I.... Susan: (uninviting) So, what’s your name? Andrew: Andrew. I was watching you from the corner, and noticed that you love to laugh. Susan: You were spying on me; from the corner? What were you doing in the corner? Andrew: Oh, no. I wasn’t spying. I just glanced... Susan: You weren’t doing anything perverted over there, were you? Andrew: God, no. I was with my friend. Susan: Your friend? Is he into kinky stuff, too? Andrew: (trying to change conversation) Hey, so you watch CBS? Great stuff on that channel, I guess. Susan: Yeah, like what do you watch? Andrew: Um, I love everything really. (quick goes on internet) Uh, King Of Queens, is great. Yes, Dear is just fantastic writing. Susan: I don’t really watch any of those shows. I only watch How I Met Your Mother. Andrew: Oh, I love that show. Susan: (giggles, and grabs his arm) Oh, you do. Me too. It’s just fantastic. Andrew: Maybe you would like to talk about it sometime at my place. Susan: What do you like about it? Andrew: (thinking) Um, well, there’s so much....the mother is hilarious. Susan: The mother? Andrew: Yeah. and the husband....or father....whichever you prefer. Susan: What are you talking about? You’ve never watched the show, have you? Andrew: I think you are mistaken, I am a fanatic. Susan: I’m going to the lunchroom where I can have a stimulating discussion with my eggplant sandwich. (Susan leaves, Andrew dejectedly walks back to male friend) Andrew: Man, that was disastrous. I was an idiot over there. Male Coworker: What did you say? Andrew: I just said hi to her and tried to strike up some banter. Male Coworker: And then what? Andrew: She just tore into me. Male Coworker: What’s wrong with her? Does she have a chip on her shoulder? Andrew: It has to be me. I don’t know how to communicate with women. What made it worse is that she didn’t laugh at anything, and she laughs all of the time. (quick shot to Susan laughing opening the refrigerator door over and over, staring at the light going on and off) Male Coworker: I think she may be demented. Andrew: I have to keep trying. Male Coworker: Well, good for you. Oh, and do me a favor? Andrew: What’s that? Male Coworker: Don’t come to me everytime you have a problem with women. I’m married for God’s sake. I’m the last person you need to get advice from. (Andrew exits and meets Susan at her desk) Susan: Oh, you again. Andrew: I think we got off on the wrong foot a minute ago. Susan: What are you saying? That I’m a weirdo that likes to yell at people? Andrew: No, I’m saying that I may have frightened you off. Susan: So, now I’m a scaredy-cat that is afraid of men’s simple approaches at conversation? Andrew: I’m not saying that... (Susan sees that her paper fell off desk and goes to pick it up, and stubs her toe) Susan: Oh! Oh! Wow! Andrew: Are you okay? Susan: (starting to laugh) Hahahaha! That was fun. I don’t know what it is about stubbing my toe that just tickles my funnybone. My nail will probably turn black and blue and fall off tomorrow. (giggles) Andrew: (confused) Um, I heard this joke the other day. Want to hear it? Susan: (aggressive again) What? You don’t think I like jokes? Andrew: No. I just didn’t... Susan: Well, spill it, Letterman. Andrew: Okay. There is this lawyer walking into a zoo and... Susan: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Is this in anyway making fun of lawyers and/or zoo animals? Andrew: Actually, it kind of does... Susan: (upset) I’ve had enough of your badgering. There is no need to discuss my two failed occupations at this time, thank you very much! Andrew: You were a zoo animal? Susan: I think it would be best of you left me alone. Andrew: I just want to have dinner with you. Or a movie or something. I really like you. I don’t understand what the problem is with me. Susan: Isn’t it obvious? You’re a moron. (Susan sits at her desk and reads from her e-mail) Omigod. My mom just sent me an e-mail saying that my father is...dead. Andrew: Geez. I’m so, so sorry. Susan: (beginning to laugh) You know, my father was one crazy man. He used to send me flowers whenever I was sick. (laughing some more) Oh well. (giggling) Andrew: (flabbergasted) I’ll see ya. (Andrew leaves, and approaches male coworker) Male Coworker: So, what happened? Andrew: She is a kook. I just don’t get her. She laughs at everything she shouldn’t be laughing at. Her father dying, stubbing her toe, watching anything on CBS. Male Coworker: Well, you know what she is? Andrew: What? Male Coworker: She’s an M-A-N. Andrew: (shocked) HUH????!!!!! Male Coworker: Yeah, a Meanspirited Antiestablishment Nelly. She’ll laugh at anything that most people won’t. Andrew: I don’t care. I’ll have her. And I’m going to do it now. Thanks. (Andrew leaves and approaches Susan yet again) Susan: Oh, you. What do you want? Andrew: I would like you to come over to my house for dinner. Susan: Oh, really. Andrew: Yes. We will be having liver with year-old store-bought wine. Susan: (smiling) Wow. That sounds great. Andrew: Then, after we can watch some movies that I rented. Do you like Carrot Top? Susan: (flush) Oh, boy. Do I ever? Andrew: I will also be showing you Howard The Duck, Roll Bounce, and Police Academy 4, 5, 6, and 7. And we can get to know each other better afterwards. Susan: It’s a date. Andrew: I’ll see you tonight at six. Susan: Hey, and if we have sex, I won’t be laughing. Andrew: You are my kind of girl. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
