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Patrick Lonergan, Mark Jennings Reese II and Prateek Srivastava
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Announcer.....Don Pardo .....Amy Poehler .....Tina Fey Harry Whittington.....Chris Parnell Shaun White.....Andy Samberg Roger Ebert.....Fred Armisen Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. Tina Fey: President Bush signed the Nuclear Arms agreement with India this week. He told reporters good relations with my neighbors is a high priority. Following that statement he droned on about the wonders of wire-tapping everyone including neighbors! This week Japanese scientists discovered that heating cow dung will produce gasoline for extraction. Asked to comment, one scientist said, "Finally I’ll get something out of having punk kids leave flaming bags of cow crap on my doorstep!" Spring break is approaching and Washington, D.C. is urging students to be on their toes. The State Department has said that vacations during spring session can be ruined by drugs, alcohol and disorderly behavior. Oops! I’m sorry, I read that wrong. It says, “Vacations during spring session can be enhanced by drugs, alcohol and disorderly behavior.” Amy Poehler: A Charleston, West Virginia police chief is accused of murder after stopping a rescue worker from performing CPR on a gay man. The police officer assumed that the homosexual man had HIV, and would pose a health risk. But, let’s face it, the guy didn’t want to see what all straight people would see: tongue. A driving ban Friday allowed a period of calmness throughout Baghdad, Iraq. Yep, there was no honking of the horns, no screeching of tires, and of course, no drive-by bombings. There were bombings, however. In a strange occurance, parts of Colorado received periods of brown snow. This is true. In a hopefully unrelated topic, the space shuttle celebrated their newest accomplishment of fitting tubes in outer space with a Mexican feast. Tina Fey: Ladies and gentlemen, before we go any further, I just want to point out that we have a very special guest in our audience tonight. He's been through a lot over the past couple of weeks, so please give a warm welcome to Mr. Harry Whittington, the man that Vice President Cheney shot. [The camera cuts to Harry Whittington sitting in the audience. The audience applauds to recognize him. He quickly stands up and waves and then sits back down. We then return to the Update desk.] Tina Fey: Hope you're enjoying the show, Harry. You feeling okay? [Cut to Harry Whittington nodding his head positively] Harry Whittington: Yes, fine. Thank you for asking. [Return to the Update desk] Amy Poehler: Hey, Mr. Whittington, I've got a shot glass underneath this desk. Want it? [pause for effect] Get it? A shot glass? [laughs hysterically] Tina Fey: Amy, that isn't very nice. Oh, that reminds me of something. I need to take my daughter to the doctor on Monday to get her shots. Amy Poehler: Oh, what a coincidence! I'm supposed to be shot on Monday! Tina Fey: [confused] You are? Amy Poehler: Yeah, Horatio got a new digital camera and he wants to use me as his test subject. He said something about it being clothing optional, but I hope he was talking about me and not himself. And then on Monday night I have to sing at a benefit. Tina Fey: Oh, that's cool. What song are you going to sing? Amy Poehler: "I Shot the Sheriff." Tina Fey: Of course. [Suddenly, a shot rings out in the studio, startling Tina and Amy.] Amy Poehler: What on EARTH was that?! Tina Fey: Oh, that's not unusual. Lorne likes forcing the interns to play Russian Roulette. I guess we have an opening now...Anyway, it's nice to have Mr. Whittington here tonight, so let's get on with the show. Is that okay with you, Mr. Whittington? [There is a pause as no response comes from Mr. Whittington] Tina Fey: [confused] Mr. Whittington? Hello? [We cut back to Harry Whittington's seat but find it to be empty] Tina Fey (VO): [confused] What happened to Mr. Whittington? Amy Poehler (VO): [baffled] I don't know! [The camera pans down to the floor and shows Harry Whittington passed out on the floor. We then return to the Update desk.] Tina Fey: Oh, I guess he had another heart attack. Amy Poehler: Yeah, it was probably the gunshot noise that did it. Too bad, he seemed like a nice, corrupt Republican. Tina Fey: Yeah, he did. Reminded me a bit of John McCain... At Sunday night’s Academy Awards, host Jon Stewart will be presenting a lifetime achievement award to President George W. Bush for his continuous portrayal of a mentally handicapped person trying to perfect his life, but ruining the world. In Washington, there is a possible health crisis with pesticides being found in all types of rivers and streams across the state. The issue was positively identified after scientists checked in the Swill Pond, Sludge Creek, and Viscuous Canal. An SUV ran into a group of students at the University of North Carolina yesterday and then sped away. With all due respect, the students were vegans. (crowd most likely moans) Hey, they’re the Hare Krishnas of our generation. Amy Poehler: Remains of an 8000 year old civilization were discovered in Shahrud, Iran on Thursday. Among the items found were assorted pottery, crafts, tables, and a sign that says... You break it, we buy you! According to a new study released this week, more people in America can name all five members of "The Simpsons" than they can the five freedoms listed in the First Amendment. Though, to be fair, "The Simpsons" has been on the air for nearly twenty years. Tina Fey: Despite half the city still standing in ruins following Hurricane Katrina, New Orleanians celebrated Mardi Gras this past week. Following the festivities, Mayor Ray Nagin requested another $5 billion in federal aid so he could get Jim Belushi out of the city. Police in New Orleans reported that there were fewer parade fatalities this year, citing only nine instances of bodies being run over by floats. Fortunately, these were just leftovers that were still lying around since the floodwaters receded. I know the decision to celebrate Mardi Gras this year sparked a lot of controversy around the nation, but, personally, I think they should have celebrated the festivities six months ago, just so they could find out if the floats really do. Amy Poehler: A twelve-year old boy visiting a Detroit art museum inadvertendly stuck a piece of used chewing gum on a painting by Helen Frankenthaler valued at 1.5 million dollars. The museum's conservation team hopes to repair the damaged area, though it will be difficult to pinpoint since the painting in question was Frankenthaler's "Coastal Bay Smudged with Chewing Gum Residue." A Scottish distillery has announced that they will be producing 184-proof whiskey, which is 92 percent alcohol. While I'm no business major, I wouldn't expect any returning customers. (a beat) Was that too vague? Tina Fey: A psychotic man in Florida was found innocent in the death of his neighbor after the defense was able to prove that the neighbor’s dog told the man to kill his neighbor. The verdict has left many to question is the dog really man’s best friend. Jaron Brice, a Washington D.C. man who recruited girls as young as 14 as prostitutes was convicted of illegal sex trafficking this week. Attempting to defend himself, Brice said, “Pimpin’ ain’t easy, but it’s necessary.” As you know, we here at “Saturday Night” were off for a month, so NBC could alienate its few viewers, so they could bore the American people with “Figure Skating”. However one of the highlights of the Winter Olympics was a young man who stole the heart of the American people. Here with his thoughts of the Winter Olympics is gold medallist in snowboarding “The Flying Tomato” Shaun White! (Shaun White slides his chair closer to the Update desk to give his commentary; White is a crazy red haired teenager) Shaun White: Yeah! Woo! SNL! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Ah bro, man…Flying Tomato here! The Olympics were wicked! Yeah! Man, yeah! Oh my god and all the free stuff! Totally rad, bro! Half pipe! Bro! Tina Fey: Thank you Shaun! Shaun White: Good night! Woo! (Shaun leaves the Update stage; Amy & Tina wonder what just happened) Tina Fey: I’m pretty sure he’s stoned. Experts will study that speech for years to come. Amy Poehler: Earlier this week, while walking through the hallways of the White House, President Bush sneezed. Later that day, one of Bush’s advisors spoke to the media, saying that the sneeze was caused by an evil coalition living somewhere in the President’s nasal passage. President Bush later added, “These evil involuntary actions will be fully serviced by justice!” The new acting director of FEMA, R. David Paulison said this week that he is already preparing for the upcoming Hurricane season now, after the debacle FEMA caused last summer. In a recent interview, Paulison said his first point of action would be to take a vacation to some place nice where can enjoy the lighter side of tide waves and apocalyptic weather that he’s not responsible for. Tina Fey: Candice Martinez, the bank robber who gained notoriety for talking on her cell phone while holding up a teller, was sentenced this week to twelve years in prison for her robberies. The phone was sentenced to a month as an accessory to the crime. A California middle school student was suspended this week for posting hateful and violent remarks about a classmate on his MySpace, and twenty fellow students were also suspended for viewing the page. It's a sad day in America when a means for allowing sexual predators to easily locate victims has degenerated into this. A young girl’s prosthetic legs, which were stolen numerous times before, were secretly returned to her the very next day. Amy Poehler: Oh, wow. Just like in that movie Mannequin. Where the mannequin had those fake plastic legs and they were given back to her and she came back to life and had sex with Andrew McCarthy. Tina Fey: Really? I never saw that movie. Amy Poehler: Me neither. Amy Poehler: The USS Oriskany, a famous battleship used in Vietnam and Korea, will be sunk to the ocean floor this summer as part of construction for a man-made reef. Oh man, I can’t wait to play Battleship with you, Tina, and say, "Hah! I turned your piece into a man-made reef!" Tina Fey: Recently, a man convicted of biting his girlfriend was sentenced to fifteen years of prison. This guy just bit off a chunk of her cheek, so I hate to think of what would happen if anyone found out about…never mind. How’s your foot, Amy? Amy Poehler: I can’t feel it anymore, Tina, but the feeling in my heart is just overflowing. Tina Fey: ABC rejected a KFC commercial with a hidden message, because they felt it was too similar to subliminal advertising. The hidden message? “Eat our delicious roast chicken or roast in hell.” Amy Poehler: A couple in Ohio held their wedding ceremony at McDonald’s. “I can’t think of a more romantic place,” said the bride. “I mean, Krispy Kreme got closed.” The third season of "Newsradio" was released on DVD this week. For those of you interested in getting your set autographed, just knock on the dumpster in the alley on 47th and 9th and Andy Dick will be with you as soon as he can. And, as a special bonus, Joe Rogan will sign your copy if you spend the night in a tank full of sharks. Amy Poehler: And now here with a review of Natalie Portman’s new film “V For Vendetta”, Chicago Sun-Times film critic Roger Ebert. (Roger Ebert slides his chair closer to the Update desk to give his movie review) Roger Ebert: Thank you. You know, I went into this film excited for Natalie Portman’s newest film, because she is a wonderful actress who has excited me for so many years now. Dating back to her wonderful performances as “Marty” in “Beautiful Girls”. I was also excited over this film because from everything I’ve seen, it looks to be another amazing gritty thriller that puts you on the edge of your seat. However this film was a bit of a let down. A disappointment. I had a “chubby” going into this screening but as soon as I saw Natalie Portman’s baldhead, I went soft quicker than ice cream outside on a hot day. I went as soft as a slice of WONDER bread. I was softer than Vanilla Ice’s street cred! This was actually a good film but if you are planning on rubbing one out to Natalie Portman’s natural beauty, this is not your film. It’s like if you went to see Charlize Theron in “MONSTER” and 30 seconds into the film, you’ve got “turtle dick”. “V For Vendetta” was almost as good as the original “Matrix” film. It was entertaining and spine bending. I give this film a “flaccid penis” on the boner chart, but a "thumbs up" for it being a great suspense film. Thank you and good night. Amy Poehler: Roger Ebert, everyone! Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have pleasant tomorrow. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
