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Teller...Amy Poehler Robber...Matt Dillon Teller 2...Maya Rudolph (Graphic: An SNY Digital Short) (shot of bank window with teller sitting behind glass writing with pen) (driver pulls up to pneumatic tube several feet away from window and puts something in bottle, sends it) (teller opens it up and reads what it says: “This is a robbery. Don’t do anything foolish. I have a gun.”) Teller: I can’t read this. Robber: What? Teller: I can’t read what this says. Robber: I’m trying to rob you. Teller: You have to push the button to speak. Robber: I said I’m robbing you. Give me all of the money in the register. Teller: The fact that you are driving up to the bank window shows that you are an inexperienced bank robber. Robber: Look, just give me the money. Teller: Push the button. Robber: GIVE ME THE MONEY! Teller: How do I know that you have a gun? (robber waves the gun) That looks like a remote control. Robber: Oh, believe me, it’s a gun. Teller: You are a really lazy criminal. Robber: Shut up. Give me the money, now. Teller: What’s the magic word? Robber: Please? Teller: Say it again, I couldn’t hear you. Robber: Pretty please: give me the money. Teller: No. I think robbing the bank is wrong, and I am turning off the intercom now. Robber: No wait. (teller motions that she can’t hear him, robber sends another note) (teller reads it saying, “Please give the money to me or I will shoot you. Pretty please.”) (teller sends back another note saying, “Put the gun in the tube so I know you are for sure.”) (robber does, and teller takes gun out and looks at it, takes bullets out and puts the gun back in the tube to robber, turns intercom back on) Teller: (sarcastically) Oh, no. You really are a bank robber. Robber: That’s right. Teller: But, I took your bullets. Robber: (looks at gun) Alright, give ‘em back. Teller: No way. Robber: Come on, please. Teller: Oh, okay. But, send the gun back so I can put them back in. (robber sends gun through tube, and teller takes gun and throws it in the trash) Robber: Give the gun back. Teller: I fooled ya. Haha. Robber: Why are you making this so hard for me? Teller: I don’t mind the bank robbery thing. But, why do you have to be so lazy as coming to the drive-up window of a bank? Not even the drive-up, but the lane furthest away from the window. Robber: I have my reasons. Teller: What are they? Robber: (pauses) Come on. Give me the gun back. Teller: Nope. Robber: Alright. I’m going to go away now, and buy another gun. Maybe two. And I will come back and you will see how angry I will be. You do not want to mess with me when I’m angry. Teller: I bet. (robber screeches tires away, then comes back a few seconds later) Robber: I need to take some money out of my account. Teller: I don’t feel like doing that, actually. Robber: Boy, when it rains, it pours. (robber drives around to ATM, and takes money out, waves the money in front of teller as if say he has the upper hand) (Caption: One Hour Later) (robber drives up to third lane again and sends note through to teller) (note reads, “Give me all of your money. This is a robbery. I have two guns. This is not a joke. Give me the money, pretty please with sugar on top. XOXO”) Teller: You really didn’t have to write a note again. Robber: Just cut the baloney and send the money through the tube. Teller: Wait a minute. I have to attend to the customers before you. (several seconds go by as teller slows talks with car in drive-up lane) Robber: Ah. Come on! Hurry up. (more time goes by, and robber’s facial expressions show how stupid he really is waiting for her to start up) Teller: Alright. Sir, we have a problem. Robber: What’s that? Teller: We have no more money. Robber: (a beat) You have no money. You are really starting to piss me off. I did say that I had two guns right. Teller: That you did. Robber: One in each hand. Teller: Go on. Robber: I’m going to f you up, you know that? Teller: From your car window. Robber: That’s it. (robber gets out of car and goes up to drive-up window) Teller: Wouldn’t it be better to drive-up in your car? You just look like an idiot standing there. (robber leers at teller, ponders, and goes back and drives up to window) Robber: I have had enough of these games. Pay up, or receive my wrath! Teller: You do know that this is bulletproof glass. Robber: Say what? Teller: Inpenetrable. No bullet is coming through here. Robber: Unbelievable. Un-freakin-believable. Teller: I’m sorry to inconvenience you, but it was actually a blast. I had a lot of fun. Robber: (sarcastically) Well, I’m glad you’re happy. I’m out of here. And thanks for such a pleasant experience. I guess what people said was right: TV glorifies everything in real life. That includes bank robberies. (robber drives away) (teller 2 enters through unlocked door) Teller 2: Why is the door unlocked? Teller: Oh, I must’ve forgotten to lock it. Teller 2: Was that that guy again? Teller: Yeah. He was much more pathetic today than usual. Teller 2: I’m glad I wasn’t here to see that display. Teller: The worst part about it was that he was completely oblivious to that. (shot of armored car with backdoor wide open and cash flying every which way) Teller 2: Oh, well. Hey, you want to take off your jeans and pretend to wearing pants behind this booth? Teller: You read my mind. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
