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Weird Dude.....Bill Hader .....Matt Dillon Bartender.....Chris Parnell [ open on interior, barroom, as Weird Guy enters, glances around, then casually approaches Matt Dillon seated at the bar ] Weird Dude: Hi there. [ sits ] Matt Dillon: Hello. Weird Dude: Where do you see yourself in twenty years? Matt Dillon: Say what? Weird Dude: Twenty years from now. That would be, let me see.. [ punches numbers on pocket calendar ] The year two-thousand and twenty-six. Where do you see yourself at that particular time? Matt Dillon: Are you hitting on me? Weird Dude: That would be the logical conclusion, wouldn't it? After all, it's Happy Hour, we're in a bar, we're two men. Matt Dillon: Right. Except, I don't swing that way. So, not interested. Weird Dude: [ places his hand on the guy's shoulder ] My friend, I can assure you there are no gay undertones in this conversation. I'll grant you creepy or perturbing, nay, even distressing, but I would very certainly disqualify gay. Matt Dillon: Look, man - whatever you're selling, I ain't buying. Weird Dude: Now we're on the same page. You look like a man who knows the value of a nickel, so I won't waste your time on idle chatter and/or small talk. Matt Dillon: There's a difference? Weird Dude: Maybe, maybe not. But why waste time consulting a dictionary and/or thesaurus? Better that we get right down to business. Matt Dillon: Hey! Are you deaf and/or incapable of hearing? I just said whatever you're selling, I ain't buying. Weird Dude: Let's put the instant replay on freeze-frame until I've had my say. Matt Dillon: You're wasting your breath, dude. Weird Dude: So, who are you - my asthmologist? Matt Dillon: Look, dude, I'm just trying to enjoy a stiff drink -- Weird Dude: You didn't answer my question. Matt Dillon: Fine. No. I'm not your asthmologist. Weird Dude: Shows what you know. I don't even have asthma. Matt Dillon: Terrific. Weird Dude: Do you see yourself still pounding back stiff ones in twenty years. Matt Dillon: I'm not gay. Weird Dude: But you are thirsty? Matt Dillon: What part of this conversation aren't you understanding? Weird Dude: It's you who's lost in translation, my friend. By the way, what did you think of that movie? Matt Dillon: "Lost in Translation"? Weird Dude: The very same. Matt Dillon: Yeah, it was alright. Weird Dude: Perhaps my approach is a little awkward. You can attribute that to my lifelong battle with alcoholism. Matt Dillon: So, you're in a bar because..? Weird Dude: My friend, I'm a talent scout. It's my job to go to happening hot spots in search of new clientele for our agency. Sign on now, and I'll see to you it that you appear in a major Hollywood movie by year's end. And by "year's end," I mean no later than December of two-thousand and oh-six. Matt Dillon: [ shakes head ] Yeah, well, you've got a good eye for talent, I guess, but I'm already in the business. [ dramatic pause ] I'm Matt Dillon. Weird Dude: [ stares at Matt, puts the pieces together ] Oh, yeahhhh.. yeah. I've seen your movies. Yeah, weren't you that guy in "The Way We Were" who called Barbra Streisand, "K-k-k-Katie?" Matt Dillon: "The Way We Were"? What was I, five when that came out? You're thinking of some guy named Bradford Dillman. And I don't know how you confused me for him, because our names are barely alike and he's, like, twice my age. Weird Dude: Okay, okay, so I made a mistake! All you Hollywood actors are so sensitive about being mistaken for one another. Like I have time in my busy schedule to note the distinctions between Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts. As long as you've got one of them in bed, who cares who is who? Matt Dillon: Hey! [ a beat ] Now we're on the same page, my friend. Weird Dude: [ shakes Matt's hands ] It's been a real education. Vaya con Dios. Matt Dillon: Bueno. [ the Weird Guy exits the bar ] Bartender: Good grief, what was all that about? Matt Dillon: God only knows. I think I'll pony up now. Bartender: I'll calculate your tab. Matt Dillon: [ reaches into his pocket, comes up empty ] Hey.. hey, where's my wallet..? [ turns to look toward the door ] [ reveal Weird Guy standing in door frame holding up a wallet, as he smiles, then runs off-camera ] Matt Dillon: Hey! [ Matt runs after Weird Guy, to fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
