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Announcer…Bill Hader (voice only) Barry Dunbar…Chris Parnell Howard Quincy…Will Forte Mickey O’Leary…Matt Dillon “The Moon Man”…Seth Meyers Black Man…Finesse Mitchell (Fade in) (“Big Ten Inch Record” by Aerosmith plays in the background) Announcer: And now its time for “The Drunken News” with your drunken anchorman Barry Dunbar. The Drunken News is brought to you by “Happy Hour”. Happy Hour – a time when everyone is your friend, not just because you are drunk but because you’re drinking. (Camera fades in on Barry Dunbar) Barry Dunbar: Good evening and salutations! Welcome to “The Drunken News”. We are here LIVE at “The Fours”, here in Milford, Mass. I am joined at my side by my co-anchor and drinking buddy, Howard Quincy. Howard, who’s your friend? Howard Quincy: This is my cousin and drinking buddy from Ireland, Mickey O’Leary. He’s here to celebrate St. Patty’s Day with my family. Mickey O’Leary: It’s good to be here. I’ve never been on television before! Barry Dunbar: And you will never be on television, pal! You’re not on TV; this little show is just a fragment of our drunken imagination! Mickey, what are you drinking? Mickey O’Leary: Do you have a drink here in the states, “Mike’s Hard Lemonade”? Barry Dunbar: Yeah, we do. But that’s a pussy drink! Whatever, “Moon Man”, get “lucky charms” over here a “Mike’s Hard Lemonade”. “The Moon Man”: Okay. Hey Dunbar, you going to do the news or what? (“Moon Man” gives Mickey a bottle of “Mike’s Hard Lemonade”) I want to know what happened to that 4-year-old kid who died in foster care! Barry Dunbar: He died, dumb ass! What the hell do you think happened to him! Howard Quincy: Over stating the obvious! “The Moon Man”: Point taken! Dunbar, do the news or get the hell out of here! This place is packed because of “Patty’s Day”. I need all the stools I can find! Howard Quincy: I got some stool floating in the john! (All 4 share a laugh) Barry Dunbar: Ah, Quincy! A joke that’s only funny when you’re drunk! I guess it’s time to do the news! The Drunken News, ladies and gentlemen! Tonight’s top story, in honor of “St. Patrick’s Day”, the governor has announced that drinking in public will not be a crime until everyone in the state has gotten over their respective hangovers! Howard Quincy: That ought to be about never! Considering I drink all the time and when I’m not drinking, I’m drunk. I never get hangovers. Barry Dunbar: Good point, Quincy! Next story, school officials are working on putting an all-school systems ban on cell phones. This makes a lot of sense to me. Why do kids have cell phones, anyways? Some kid is in his biology class, dissecting a frog, on the phone, making a drug deal. I can understand black kids in Roxbury needing cell phones. 16 year old ‘brothers’ from Roxbury are entrepreneurs by the time they that age. (Cut to a black man in a suit walking into the bar) “The Moon Man”: Hey Dunbar, easy on the “brother” references. One just walked in. Barry Dunbar: Thanks, Moon Man. Black Man: (in an English accent) Excuse me, you wouldn’t happen to know where the pay phone is around this establishment? Barry Dunbar: What the heck did you just say? Howard Quincy: Too many big words for one sentence. “The Moon Man”: Yeah, it’s over in the corner next to the jukebox. Barry Dunbar: Hey Moon Man, get me another beer, here. Quincy, you want to take the next story? Howard Quincy: How about we let Mickey do one? Barry Dunbar: Okay. Folks, here is a news story from our good drinking buddy from across the pond, Mickey O’Leary. Mickey O’Leary: Okay. Thank you. Will Murray, a Milford man who went crazy last week after he found his wife in bed with a woman, was found in a bar in downtown Boston make conversation with a postal worker, while incurring an over-size bar tab. A spokesperson for CBS said they are thinking about doing a sitcom based on the man, but they think they’ve seen the idea done before. “The Moon Man”: Everyone’s going to know Will Murray’s name now! Barry Dunbar: This just in…Howard Quincy has just wet his pants. Mickey O’Leary: Loose bladder, cousin? Barry Dunbar: Hey Moon Man, don’t you think Quincy’s cousin looks like that overrated actor Matt Dillon? “The Moon Man”: That’s an interesting in-sight. Barry Dunbar: A New York City bouncer is being questioned in the death of Boston graduate student. More evidence that Yankee fans hate Red Sox fans, and vice versa. Quincy, what do you say we go on a road trip and go slay a Yankee fan? Howard Quincy: Let’s do it! Mickey O’Leary: ROAD TRIP! (Quincy, O’Leary and Dunbar rush out of the bar) “The Moon Man”: Oh, do I love spring training! (The 3 men return to the bar; the Black Man returns to the bar) Black Man: Could I have some quarters, please! Howard Quincy: Out of my way, Tony Parker! Black Man: I’m English; Tony Parker is French. (Howard Quincy punches the black man in the face; the Black Man falls to the ground) “The Moon Man”: Why are you fellas back so soon? Barry Dunbar: We just remembered that this is the only time of the year we can have “green beer” that doesn’t have vomit in it. ALL: HAPPY ST. PATTY’S DAY!! Barry Dunbar: This is the Drunken News! Remember to drink responsibly…what the hell am I saying! Get faced! (“Sanctuary” by the J. Geils Band plays in the background) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
