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Announcer (voice)...Chris Parnell Bobby Hudson...Andy Samberg ...Matt Dillon Spokesperson...Will Forte Woman...Amy Poehler Kenny...Fred Armisen Paramedics...Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig (announcer talking over shot of a desk and a couch, obviously a talk show format) Announcer (voice): You’re watching the USA Network. Now, we proudly introduce you to our host. A man who has overcome such hardships and traumatic experiences, it is impossible not to give him a round of applause. Please welcome......BOBBY HUDSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (young man comes out in suit and tie, ready to shake several audience members hands, and high-fiving them all) Bobby Hudson: Thank you everybody for tuning in to Later On, with me, Bobby Hudson. I appreciate that round of applause that you gave for me. It’s truly an honor to be with such respectful people in my studio today. Many of you folks may recognize me, and some of you may not. I have been on news stations and in newspapers nationwide, and I’ve even heard some around the world. It’s no surprise that I have had several altercations with locomotive trains. (audience gasps) No, no. It’s just a way of life, in my eyes. I have grown accustomed to being somehow involved in a dangerous train mishap. That’s the way the cookie crumbles, and so be it. I think I am not alone in saying God was there for me, during every one of my 39 accidents with railtrains, and that, if anything, deserves an ovation. (audience claps, as well as Hudson) My producer, Kenny, is waving at me to start this show. Enough of the formalities and the fussing, let’s have some fun on my show. (runs over to his desk and sits down) Well, we have a terrific show for you tonight. A number of guests, and lots of entertainment. But, first, I would like to answer a few questions or comments from my mailbag. (mailbag is placed on his desks, and he reaches inside and pulls out envelope) A Jessica Korgan writes: “Dear Bobby Hudson: I am your biggest fan. I have taped as many news footage stories on your train accidents as I could find. Even moving from state to state to see how you manage to get into these binds. I was wondering: Why don’t you just stay away from areas where there are railroads?” That’s a good question, Jessica. However, it will still not solve the problem that I have of being incredibly unlucky around railway tracks. That’s just how it is. In fact, the accident that occured in Saco, Maine was from a kiddie train at Funtown, U.S.A. I suffered a fractured tibia and several cuts on my head, but I was up and running in months. Helga Sparrengarden writes: “Bobby Hudson: I love you. I do not speak English so well, because I am from Poland. I was just thanking you for visiting my small village of Kirkegard. It was an honor to be in your acquaintance, and I was ever so nervous. I was wondering: How could you have been in a train accident in my small town? There is not a railroad track for at least two miles.” Helga, it was splendid being in your tiny village; up until the eventual fender-bender with the convoy. Two miles or not, it just doesn’t matter. If you can recall, I believe it was a jagged piece of metal from that particular train outside of your township that hit me in the small of the back. Wind! Go figure. Finally, Dr. Richard Freedman says: “Dear Bobby Hudson: I am a doctor and I feel that it is remarkable that you survived so many train accidents. One is outstanding, but dozens and dozens? I was wondering: How are you still alive?” Doctor, shouldn’t you be the one telling me how I did it? (laughs, along with closeups of audience members laughing) Dr. Freedman, I am a healthy eater. I eat many vegetables and fruits, as well as grains and fat-free foods. Ironic story: I was shopping at a vitamin store, and I heard out of nowhere in the back office the sound of a train. I was horrified, until I peered into the employees lounge and saw what was just a miniature train collection. The relief turned to sheer terror again when one of the trains exploded and severely burned my chin. It was no big deal. Then, after I left the store, I was hit by a train. Anyway, our first guest tonight was nominated for an Academy Award a few days ago for his role in the film Crash. Please welcome Matt Dillon! (Matt Dillon comes out, audience applauds, Hudson gets up from desk, shakes his hand, and sits down on couch and Hudson sits in chair) Matt Dillon: It’s great to be here, Bobby. You’re a remarkable human being. I’ll give you that. Bobby Hudson: Matt Dillon. You are one of my favorite actors. Matt Dillon: Thank you. But, to be quite honest, I had never heard of you until I came here to the show. Bobby Hudson: No problem. Matt Dillon: It’s just unfathomable the way you have survived these horrible tragedies in your life. Bobby Hudson: (blushing) Oh, come on. Matt Dillon: No, really. I was just visiting all of the talk shows for the past few weeks, and no one will compare to you, you brave man. (audience claps and Hudson stands up and bows) Bobby Hudson: You’re too kind. All of you. Matt Dillon: So, do you have any idea why I’ve never heard of you. Bobby Hudson: Well, it started when I was around five, and I rode on a train for the first, and last time. The train went off the tracks, and many people were killed and injured. I had sustained a broken jaw, and sprained ankle. I never rode on a train again. The accidents started to occur more and more, and I believe news organizations wanted to keep it hush-hush so as not to humiliate me. Matt Dillon: Or because it was just not newsworthy anymore. Bobby Hudson: (glaring) Whatever. So, Oscar time came and went. You didn’t win, but you were nominated for Best Supporting Actor. You must have been really proud. Matt Dillon: Oh, you better believe it. I had so much fun working on that movie, Crash. I have so many stories to tell. It was an experience I hope I endure again and again. Bobby Hudson: That’s good to here. Matt Dillon: I remember the most fun we had offset was playing a tournament of eightball with all of the other cast. It was just a blast. In fact, some of us nearly got into a brouhaha with some of the bar patrons. It was exciting. Bobby Hudson: That reminds me of something that had happened to me. I was in this bar, and I had passed out; a combination of booze and the many train accidents that gave me cripplingly, pounding headaches. Anyways, I collapsed onto a pool table, and I woke up almost immediately. The guy who was winning the game was so upset, that he punched the living daylights out of me. It turns out, the guy was train conductor. Matt Dillon: (concerned, confused) Well...that’s some story. Uh, as I was saying, I couldn’t have been nominated for that film without the director and his skills, as well as the actors I had to work with. The writing was incredible, and I can’t give all of the credit to myself. Bobby Hudson: The words of a true actor. Matt Dillon: I have this story that happened at the Oscars. It happened before on the red carpet, before the ceremony. I was with my girlfriend, and we were trying to walk past all of the paparazzi and publicity journalists, and Jack Nicholson comes out of nowhere and stops right in front of me. Bobby Hudson: No way. Matt Dillon: He had a real serious look on his face, and he comes up to me and says, “You think you deserve an Oscar?” I didn’t know what to say, I was speechless. He was like my idol. And, as quickly as he came up to me, he put my head in between his arm and gave me a noogie. (audience laughs) I swear to God! There may even be photos of it. Bobby Hudson: (laughing, clapping) That is too much. A noogie from Jack! On the red carpet even. That kind of reminds me of this time when I was walking on these railroad tracks, which had been unused for virtually twenty years. It was obvious because grass was coming out of the railway beams. Then, all of a sudden, I hear this deafening noise from above as I am nailed by a caboose chimney. Turns out that a helicopter was taking this broken-down part of a train over to another county. Didn’t know that they did that. Matt Dillon: (shocked) And you weren’t killed? Bobby Hudson: Strangely, no. In fact, I only suffered a bruised hand and a concussion. A few hours later, though, I was actually hit by a train on those very tracks. Matt Dillon: The abandoned rail tracks? Bobby Hudson: Go figure. Matt Dillon: Well, I don’t know how my story reminded you of that, but, oh well. Bobby Hudson: (laughing) We’ll be right back after this message... (cut to commercial which is live on show) Spokesperson: Has this ever happened to you? (stock footage of the woman trying to cross the tracks with a train slowing down at depot) If so, you are entitled to a trial and sue the train company for this tragic mistake. Lofton & Garrison have been serving American plaintiffs for over thirty years who have been involved in train accidents. Just because a loud, flashing railroad crossing sign is right in front of you, doesn’t mean you have to wait. People are impatient. And walking over railroad tracks will get you faster to your destination, why should it be a problem? (shot of woman from train accident shaking spokesperson’s hand, covered in bandages) Woman: Thanks, Lofton & Garrison. Announcer (voice): Lofton & Garrison. Just because you’re stupid, doesn’t mean you should go on without money. (back to the show, and a crowd of people are surrounding the desk area of the show, people screaming and we notice that there is a a head of a train on top of the table) Matt Dillon: It just came out of nowhere. Kenny: People, people. Back up. Bobby needs medical attention. Please. Come on. Over here, guys. (paramedics come over to circle, and quickly Hudson comes out from underneath train) Bobby Hudson: It’s okay, everyone. I’m alright. Kenny: How the hell did this happen? There isn’t a train station for over fifty miles! Bobby Hudson: I’m going to the hospital now, where I will be in traction. Thanks for tuning into my show. My apologies to Dick Cheney and Howie Mandel. Goodnight. (paramedics, Kenny, and Dillon try to help Hudson walk away from desk without a stretcher) (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
