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Announcer...Chris Parnell Roy Rednecky...Matt Dillon Jeff Rednecky...Horatio Sanz Bahama...Maya Rudolph Cantrell, the Lobster Boy...Finesse Mitchell Happy...Amy Poehler John...Fred Armisen Sarah...Kristen Wiig [SCENE: The ABC logo] Announcer (VO): Coming to ABC this spring is an all-new, COMPLETELY original series. It's the story of a man who, after winning $100,000 in the lottery, gets struck by a car and loses the winning ticket. While in the hospital, he vows to change his life so karma will restore the imbalance. He writes up a list, gets the ticket back, and away he goes! ABC proudly presents..."His Name Is Roy!" [SCENE: A public park. Roy Rednecky, sporting a cheesy-looking mustache, is standing next to his overweight brother Jeff Rednecky.] Roy Rednecky: Jeff, I made a list and now it's time to start crossing things off of it. I've got over 200 things on here, so it's gonna take us a while to get through all of them. Jeff Rednecky: Oh, so you made a list of all the bad things you did to people and now you're gonna try to make up for them? Roy Rednecky: [confused] What? [forcefully] Hell no! I made a list of all the GOOD things I did for people, and now it's time to UNDO them! I spent my whole life helping people out, and do you know where that got me? Jeff Rednecky: [begging] Where, Roy? Please, you've gotta tell me! Roy Rednecky: I tried to help that old lady cross the street, and then I got hit by a car and stuck in the hospital with a broken neck for two months! Not to mention an eighty-seven year old roommate who always slept naked and never covered himself with a blanket! Everyone always says that if you do good things, then good things will happen to you. Well, I tried that and it didn't work. So now, I'm gonna try a different approach. [proudly] I'm gonna do bad things and maybe then good things will finally happen to me! Jeff Rednecky: [thinking] Hmmm, I guess that makes sense. You're wronging your rights instead of righting your wrongs. Roy Rednecky: [excitedly] Exactly! Come on, Jeff. Let's do this thing! [SCENE: A bedroom in a bed-and-breakfast. Roy and Jeff are sitting on the bed while the maid is cleaning up around them.] Roy Rednecky (VO): The first thing we had to do was get a permanent place to stay. We found a great bed and breakfast off of Route 256. Jeff and I quickly became friends with Bahama, the maid. [Bahama approaches Roy Rednecky and begins speaking with him] Bahama: So, wait, let me get this straight. You think doing bad things will result in good things happening to you? Roy Rednecky: Exactly. Bahama: I think you're crazier than my Aunt Ricky. Roy Rednecky: [shocked] You have an Aunt Ricky? Bahama: [shaking her head] Don't ask. Roy Rednecky: Well, anyway, I'll show you that my new philosophy works. Watch this! [Roy pushes Jeff of the bed and Jeff falls to the floor with a massive thud. Roy then searches where Jeff was sitting and finds a $20 bill.] Roy Rednecky: [in a smug voice] See? Bahama: [impressed] Wow. That's more money than I would make in a year back in Mexico. [SCENE: A local restaurant. Roy and Jeff are seated at a table eating.] Roy Rednecky (VO): My ex-wife Happy left me for my best friend, Cantrell. He's the owner of the local Lobster Hole and everyone calls him the Lobster Boy. [Cantrell, the Lobster Boy approaches Roy and Jeff carrying a pile of dishes. He happily waves at Roy.] Cantrell, the Lobster Boy: [cheerfully] Hey, Roy! Roy Rednecky: [bitterly] F--- off, Lobster Boy! [Happy, Roy's ex-wife, suddenly approaches the two brothers] Happy: Roy, what on earth is going on here? I heard you got your lottery money back. That true? Roy Rednecky: Yes, it's true, Happy. Happy: Well, I want half of it! As your ex-wife, I deserve it! Now hand it over! [Roy Rednecky silently thinks this over for a moment.] Happy: [impatiently] Well? What's it gonna be, Roy? Roy Rednecky: You know, Happy, I think you're right. You definitely deserve it. Happy: [shocked] I do? [pause] I mean, of course I do. Now give it to me! Roy Rednecky: Oh, I'll give it to you... [Roy Rednecky stands up from the table and quickly punches Happy in the face, sending her to the floor.] Jeff Rednecky: [in disbelief] Roy, why did you do that? Roy Rednecky: Because, Jeff, I spent five years being married to her and I put up with everything she put me through. The affairs, the tantrums, the burnt toast...now it's payback time! [Roy and Jeff stare down at Happy's body] Jeff Rednecky: Hey, Roy, what's that sticking out of her pocket? Roy Rednecky: [surprised] Looks like the keys to my car. The same one that she claimed was "stolen" by a three-armed bandit. [to Jeff] Well, Jeff, looks like we're going to be playing repo men today. Jeff Rednecky: Cool! I want to be Harry Dean Stanton! You can be Emilio Estevez! [SCENE: A suburban home. Roy is knocking on the front door.] Roy Rednecky (VO): One of my first stops was the home of a guy named John... [John, an elderly man, opens the door and greets Roy.] Roy Rednecky: Sir, you might not remember me, but I was the guy who reshingled your roof for you last year. John: [happily] Of course I remember you, Roy! And you were so kind as not to charge this poor old man! Roy Rednecky: Yeah, well, time's are changing, and so I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it back. Go for it, Jeff! [The camera pans up to show Jeff (equipped with a hammer) standing on the roof of John's house. He begins smashing all of the tiles with the hammer and winds up punching a few holes in the roof.] John: [horrified] What?! No! [Roy Rednecky smiles and starts walking away from John's house. He pulls out his list and crosses off "Put shingles on the roof of an old man." He then puts his list away and is shocked to suddenly find a brand-new XBOX-360 mint in the box in front of his car.] Roy Rednecky: [amazed] Excellent! [to Jeff. shouting] Hey, Jeff, we got a new cardboard box! We're gonna have some fun tonight! [SCENE: A family home. Roy and Jeff are seated at a table speaking with a woman named Sarah.] Roy Rednecky: I'm telling you, your husband is cheating on you! Sarah: [forcefully] But Carl wouldn't do that! Roy Rednecky: Oh yeah? Take a look at this! [Roy pulls a picture out of his pocket that shows Carl entering a motel with another woman.] Roy Rednecky: That's just the first in the series. There are thirty-seven more that shows everything from false start to premature finish. Sarah: [disbelief] I don't believe it! It's true! [pause] Thank you for telling me, Roy. He's in the bathroom right now, and I'm going to divorce his ass so quickly that he won't have time to properly clean himself! Roy Rednecky: [impressed] Great. [Roy and Jeff exit Sarah's home. Roy scratches off "Got Carl and Sarah together" from his list. As they approach their car, Jeff speaks.] Jeff Rednecky: Wow, so now they're gonna get divorced. But I've gotta know, where did you get the photo, Roy? Roy Rednecky: Oh, I just paid that hooker to visit Carl at his motel when he was on his business trip. And then nature took its course. Jeff Rednecky: Oh cool...I just feel bad for their three kids now that their parents are gonna get divorced... Roy Rednecky: [shocked] They have kids? [angered] I didn't know that! [ecstatic] That's perfect! That means three times the good karma! [Suddenly, three bags of money fall from the sky and land in front of Roy and Jeff.] Jeff Rednecky: [impressed] Wow, that's awesome! Now can we go burn down that house that you helped build? Roy Rednecky: Which one? There are a dozen of them! Jeff Rednecky: Cool! We're gonna be serial arsonists! [thoughtful pause] Roy, what's a serial arsonist? Roy Rednecky: It means we burn down a bunch of houses. Jeff Rednecky: Oh. I thought I meant that we ate a lot of cereal. I like AppleJacks the most. Can we get some AppleJacks on the way home, Roy? Roy Rednecky: We'll see, Jeff. We'll see... [RETURN TO: The ABC logo] Announcer (VO): "His Name Is Roy," coming in April to ABC. Be sure to check out are other new, completely original shows, including "How I Divorced Your Father" and "The Workplace." [FADE OUT] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
