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Tucker Carlson…Fred Armisen Tom Cruise…Matt Dillon Bobby Brown…Finesse Mitchell Katie Holmes…Amy Poehler (Fade in) (Camera pans onto “The Situation” stage; Tucker sits behind a round table, with Tom Cruise and Bobby Brown sitting on the other side of the table) Tucker Carlson: Welcome to “The Situation with Tucker Carlson”! I’m Tucker Carlson…as if you didn’t know that already. (Lightly chuckles at his own joke) (Camera cuts to Tom Cruise laughing hysterically) On tonight’s show, we are holding an open forum about drugs, particularly, prescription drugs and illegal drugs. To discuss these subjects, we welcome our guests, actor-turned-walking punch line Tom Cruise, and hip-hop star-turned-crack head-turned-walking punch line Bobby Brown. Thank you for coming on to my show. Bobby Brown: Where are the drugs? I thought you said this was a show about drugs! Where the drugs? Where the drugs! Tucker Carlson: Calm down, Bobby. We will be giving you the panelist’s gift basket after the show. Bobby Brown: DO I GET SOME CRACK? Tucker Carlson: No. I think you get “heroin” in our gift basket. Bobby Brown: Holy lord! Whitney, we hittin’ the jackpot! Tucker Carlson: Gentlemen, with the knowledge of what drugs do for the world, do you think that drugs do more better than worse? Tom Cruise: Tucker, Tucker, Tucker…do you realize, do you…are you listening to what you’re saying? Tucker Carlson: Tom, please shut up…this is my show! Tom Cruise: Tucker, do you realize…what you just said? Bobby Brown: Hey! Hey! Does anyone want to smoke some crack?! Tucker Carlson: Bobby, no one wants to smoke crack with you. Tom, what is it you can tell about your expertise with prescription drugs? Tom Cruise: Tucker, prescriptions drugs are…are the death of our children! Do you realize what “Ritalin” does to children? Do you understand? Am I getting through to you? Do you get it? Ritalin is death…it is literally the devil! Tucker Carlson: Tom, who is your source on those facts? Tom Cruise: L. Ron Hubbard talks about it in “Scientology”! Bobby Brown: I WANT TO SMOKE SOME CRACK! WHITNEY! Tucker Carlson: I see. Let us shift gears, here. Bobby, you are the expert on “illegal” drugs. What is it that you can tell us that might shed some light on why they are so bad for… Bobby Brown: ONCE I SMOKE CRACK, I WANT TO SMOKE MORE! I WANT TO SMOKE SOME MO’ CRACK! Tucker Carlson: That’s a very good point, Bobby. Tom, what do think about what Bobby just said? Tom Cruise: Tucker, it’s guys like Bobby Brown that make us realize…that what we need in life is…love…and “Scientology”! Tucker Carlson: So, it is your opinion that L. Ron Hubbard is the answer to the world’s drug problem? Tom Cruise: Tucker, understand, that “Ritalin” is…is suppose to correct the “chemical dissemblance” in the brain. Well, you know, the only true thing that can correct the “dissemblance” is…falling in love with a woman who is in her 20’s who will ride you like a roller coaster…who will rock you like a hurricane! Tucker Carlson: I think I understand. Bobby Brown: CRACK! I WANT TO SMOKE CRACK! Tucker Carlson: I suppose now you're going to drag your girlfriend out here. Tom Cruise: Tucker, she’s my fiancée…and yes! (Tom rushes off stage to bring out Katie Holmes) Tucker Carlson: So Bobby, I really enjoy that reality show you have on Bravo! Bobby Brown: WHITNEY! BRING ME SOME CRACK! I THINK THIS GUY WANTS TO SMOKE SOME WITH US AND HAVE A 3-WAY! (Tom Cruise returns with his pregnant fiancée Katie Holmes, at this side) Tom Cruise: I LOVE THIS WOMAN! I KNOCKED UP THIS WOMAN! Katie Holmes: I LOVE YOU! (Tom & Katie kiss; Tom jumps up atop the desk) Tom Cruise: (points to Katie’s stomach) I PUT A BABY IN THERE! I LOVE THIS WOMAN! WHOO! EVERYONE LOVES SCIENTOLOGY! Bobby Brown: You a crazy cracker! CRACK! (Fade back to a close-up of Tucker Carlson) Tucker Carlson: Ladies and gentlemen… (Close-up of Bobby Brown) …This is a man on crack… Bobby Brown: I SMOKE CRACK! (Close-up of Tom Cruise dancing atop the desk) Tucker Carlson: This is a man on scientology… (Close-up of Tucker Carlson) …Any questions? (Camera pans out) Tom Cruise: I LOVE THIS WOMAN! Tucker Carlson: Folks, join us tomorrow night, here on “The Situation”, when we talk with an expert on Internet dating and why there are so many lonely people in the world, and why I’m content in my own asexuality. I’m Tucker Carlson and this has been “The Situation”! Good night! (Bobby Brown rushes the camera, yelling) Bobby Brown: CRACK! CRACK! LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
