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Announcer.....Don Pardo .....Amy Poehler .....Tina Fey Mike Brown.....Chris Parnell Ardal Maguire.....Seth Meyers Donald Trump.....Darrell Hammond Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. Dubai Ports World has announced that it will cease seeking managerial of the six American ports, ending a weeks-long controversy. The decision was made after a representative for DPW claimed that carrying out the transaction meant they would have to deal with what they fear most - working with Jewish businessmen. Amy Poehler: A recent report in Forbes magazine indicates that the number of billionaires throughout the world has risen to a record 793. To put that in perspective, that means there are now 5 billion, 999 million, 999 thousand, 207 really envious people across the world. Dana Reeve, the widow of "Superman" actor Christopher Reeve and a strong supporter of the fight against paralysis, passed away this week at the age of 44. In the wake of her death friends and family have been scrambling to take care of her child, trying to find who will be best sutied to raise him, teach him of his mother's courage, and protect him from attacks by Brainiac and the Toyman. Tina Fey: The death toll in Asia due to the bird flu has risen to 91 fatalities. In the wake of this tragic news, oddly enough, a video has emerged showing chickens cheering and parading in the streets and burning Asian flags in celebration. (A beat) Was that too vague a reference? Amy Poehler: No, it was fine. Tina Fey: Okay, thanks. Three teenagers arrested for a slew of church arsons in the south defended their actions as a "joke" that spiraled out of control. I predict this will be the same excuse used to rationalize their prison shower beatings. And in all honesty, that will be a lot funnier. A group of government officials said this week that the Abu Ghraib Prison in Iraq would be shutting down. Asked to elaborate, a spokesman for the group said, “We all agreed to close up shop as soon as it stopped being fun.” Amy Poehler: A Buddhist priest in Japan was arrested for paying an underage girl to engage in sexual activities. Pedophilia, it's not just for Catholic clergymen anymore! Former director of FEMA Mike Brown came out to the media, letting the world know that the President knew about a warning of “Katrina” before destruction was about to take place. Here to comment further is Mike Brown. (Mike Brown slides his chair closer to the Update desk to give his commentary; Brown appears unshaven and a little drunk) Mike Brown: Thank you Amy. You know you are a sexy lookin’ woman! Can I kiss you? No! Better not. I think I just through up in my mouth a little bit. Bargain liquor tends to do that. I told the media this week that the President knew all about. And you know what, that’s the truth! WHY WOULD I LIE? I’m not a bad guy. I did my job. A job I was unqualified for! I know it. You know it. My mother knows it. Am I pissing myself? Anyhow, Bush is the responsible one…he’s the one who should be held accountable. I mean do you know how many goddamn death threats I’ve received since September? I’ve got at least 1,000. And at least 100 of them are from myself. I WANNA GO TO IHOP! So Amy, remember, I’m not to blame. SO GET OFF MY BACK! I HAVE NEXT GAME! I’m sleepy. (Passes out on the Update desk) Amy Poehler: Mike Brown, nuclear holocaust made easy! Tina Fey: In the newest edition of Hobo Weekly, the magazine polled the spot most homeless people find the most comfortable is the dumpster. And for worst place to sleep: Dumpster while being compacted. Amy Poehler: A French teacher who had held twenty of his students hostage in his classroom Thursday delicately surrenders after a long and tiring standoff. Police say that they could’ve never foiled the disgruntled teacher into a peaceful resolution without the help of this man. (picture of Jerry Lewis grinning like an idiot) The French love that guy! Our funny headline of the day, from Jackson, Mississippi: “Tornado hits Miss. school”. Hey, which is it? Did it hit or miss the school? (both laugh) Several students were injured. Tina Fey: The chief of neurosurgery in Oakland was tackled to the operating room floor after he was yelling at his nurse for not allowing him to operate; only because he was visibly drunk. Afterwards, a doctor told reporters that, “I should’ve been able to do my job, regardless of my state. I mean, it’s not brain surgery. Oh, wait, it is.” Amy Poehler: Last week, I caught this stand-up act at a local comedy club in my hometown. I thought since it is close to St. Patrick’s Day, this Irish-born comedian would do quite well in front of an audience. He tore the house down and I would like for you to see for yourself. Ladies and gentlemen, Ardal Maguire. (audience applauds as man in plaid shirt and holding a mug of beer slides over next to Poehler, has Irish accent) Ardal Maguire: Evening, ladies and gents. Ah, St. Patty’s Day! Is there a day like any other? Of course not. How many days in the year can you vomit on your friend’s eighty dollar suit and not break a sweat? Just one. That’s for sure. In my country, however, a day like that is like any other. I remember one time I was in the local pub, and we were playing darts. And a fella comes up to me and says I bet you I can eat whatever’s in that toilet over there. I said, “Go ahead, you bugger.” He proceeded to dip his head into the crapper and chewed whatever was in there. Poopy, toilet paper, a snake. We had no idea what was in there. It turns out there was upchuck all through the bowl. I damn near puked! The Irish are always made fun of by everybody. It’s a shame, really, because we’re not all that bad. I was walking down the street with my buddies this one night, piss drunk. We noticed that an old woman was trying to cross the street with her cane. We decided to help her cross the road, my buddy and I. My other friend, however, was so blotto that he couldn’t tell that the woman was well in her nineties. Nevertheless, my pal began to dry hump her until finally she fell down and broke her hip. Then, of course, he spewed all over her. The sight made me damn near puke! The stereotypes of the Irish are everso brutal. We’re not all overgrown, drunken idiots that urinate on everything. It’s just not true. On one of the few days of the year I was sober last year, I went down to my local church for the first time in decades. I couldn’t believe what a beautiful service it was, and then came the body and blood thing. I didn’t realize that they actually used wine for the blood of Christ, and I quickly became the life of the party again. I probably should’ve been kicked out of there at the time, since the readings and hymns weren’t finished, but clergy are slow to react. I then crashed through one of the beautiful stained glass windows in my drunken stupor, and as queasy as I was, I DAMN NEAR PUKED!!!!!!! I did puke! Tina Fey: Amy, this guy is terrible. You thought he was good? Amy Poehler: He’s very funny. Tina Fey: All he does is tell these awful stories and how he almost threw up. Ardal Maguire: Hey, Tina Fey, I don’t come to where you work and chunder all over you. (stops) Oh, God! Twenty too many. My pale ale is about to shout out. (throws up all over desk) I PUKED!!!!! Tina Fey: Ah, get out of here. Amy Poehler: Ardal Maguire, ladies and gentlemen. Tina Fey: Charles Cullen, the former nurse who murdered at least 29 people, was sentenced to 12 consecutive life sentences for his crimes. And you know that when he dies, he'll be put on Satan's bedpan duty for the rest of eternity. Dance enthusiasts this week moved for a polka revival. They were quickly kicked out of the bar and told never to return. Amy Poehler: A French television network shocked the country this week by hiring a black anchorman for it’s Paris-stationed news show. This has left many to question, “There’s a black guy living in France?” The new FX series “Black. White.” premiered this week. The show is about 2 families who switch races for the matter of 6 weeks. This series has left many to question, “if Seal and Michael Stipe switched races, would anyone notice?” Tina Fey: A rumor at NBC this week was floating around that “Last Comic Standing” was considering doing an audition date in New Orleans to boost regional moral. However there was some debate over changing the name of the show from “Last Comic Standing” to “Last Comic Floating”. Famous pianist Yanni was arrested this week for domestic battery of his girlfriend. While in police custody, Yanni was forced to listen to his own music for 12 straight hours. Amy Poehler: John Travolta this week signed on to play the mother in the Broadway production of “Hairspray”. The famous Scientologist member said, “L. Ron Hubbard spoke to me and said that I had be crazy, so Tom Cruise could be taken seriously again.” Is anyone else put off by the fact that Tom Cruise needs a step-latter to go down on Katie Holmes? Tina Fey: Finally tonight, a personal comment is the star of NBC’s failing show “The Apprentice”, Donald Trump. Donald Trump: Thank you Tina. You look dynamite! America, I was caught up in a bit of controversy this week when I said that I date my daughter Ivanka if she wasn’t my daughter. I meant what I said. I was NOT misquoted. I’d like to bang my daughter…of course, if she wasn’t my daughter. But it got me to thinking. What if rich white guys with hot daughters could be giving the right to bang their daughters? Think about it America. It’s not that shocking. This is America. The land of the free. I pulled some strings…and you know what, I’ve gotten the political backing of both George W. Bush and John Kerry. They both told me over the phone that they’d love to BANG their daughters. It’s a clash of the titans! Both Bush and Kerry are agreeing on something! It takes different strokes to move the world! Rich white men of America…you now have permission to bang your hot daughters! Thank you. Tina Fey: Donald Trump, the sick bastard! For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have pleasant tomorrow. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
