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Guy... Andy Samberg Enrico Pollini... Antonio Banderas Supervisor… Seth Meyers (Open to an exterior of a train station. Cut to an blue interior with a bunch of tables. Enrico sits) Guy: Hey are you romance novel writer…person... man...thing...Enrico Pollini? Enrico: Yes, I’m Enrico Pollini. Guy: Oh my god wow. I get a little nervous around famous people. I mean a romance novel guy like yourself is the king of famous people right? I’ve been wanting an autograph for so long. Do ya have time for one? Enrico Pollini: Oh sure, I’d be happy to give you an autograph. You know, a lot of my fans usually enjoy a kiss with their autograph, you want one? (jokingly) Guy: AHAHA (Guy stands still and starts laughing insanely. Guy makes motion of getting an autograph book, or a pen. Enrico looks at him funny and then gets out paper and pen and writes the autograph) Enrico Pollini: Here... you go. (Guy stops laughing) Guy: Yeah... that really wasn’t funny. You know we live in a society where homoeroticism is no longer a form of comedy. Enrico Pollini: I make the joke and you laughed for a long time! What’s wrong with you? Guy: Nevermind (looks at the piece of paper) What is this? Enrico Pollini: It’s an autograph! Guy: What the hell is this, you retarded elf? Enrico Pollini: You know... most people say thank you when they get an autograph. Guy: I waited in line for 10 hour to get this piece of scrawl! Enrico Pollini: You did not wait in line! You came up to me and asked for an autograph. Guy: If I wanted this black scribble, I would have taped one my pubes to a piece of paper. Enrico: I do not understand you! I took time out from my schedule and you cannot show some appreciation? Guy: Why should I? This is not even an autograph, I mean where’s the pizzazz, the interactive-ness. The whimsical fun! Enrico Pollini: What do you mean this isn’t an autograph? Just because I’m a romance author doesn’t mean I don’t know what an autograph is. And signing them is not whimsical fun! Guy: Don’t question me. This is not an autograph. For one thing, it’s not even 3 dimensional! And where’s the physical features. I expected a boning machine at the very least. Enrico Pollini: I don’t know what you’re talking about. (A beat) You mean a sex-slave? Guy: Um duh (as if he knows what he’s talking about). Of course I meant a sex slave. Why else are people so happy when they get someone’s autograph? How could this hieroglyphic be more fun than a sex-slave? Enrico Pollini: (furious) Look you cancer-faced punk, you have no right telling an author they have bad penmanship! And an autograph is not a sex slave. It’s a person’s signature. Check any damn dictionary in the world. Guy: Hey that was screwed up! Enrico Pollini: What¡¯s screwed up is you not knowing what an autograph is? Whoever thought an autograph was a sex slave and who even owns a sex slave! Guy: So the big famous guy is calling me a douchebag... that’s so typical of you high society types! Enrico Pollini: Society types, I gave you an autograph, and you’re not happy with it. I... gave you an autograph. Guy: What’s so great about you anyways? What kind of famous guy doesn’t own a sex slave? Enrico Pollini: No one has a sex slave! Guy: Celebrities don’t tell the press about them. But believe me, all of them own at least one! Enrico: That makes no sense, and you need go to school. What kind of idiot sits around in a train station all day. Guy: I’ll have you know I’m an intern at a company! In fact I’m here just to pick up a newspaper and coffee for the manager! (Supervisor walks by with coffee and a newspaper) Supervisor: Hey INTERN? What are you doing, I asked for my coffee and newspaper an hour ago! Guy: Oh sorry boss, just trying to get some more clients! (points to Enrico) I’m appealing to the Latino market! Supervisor: Aha! Good job! (goes up to Enrico and shakes hands) Don Martin, regional manager for Cranston’s Sex Slaves and Punishment Incorporated. For all your sex slaves and S&M equipment needs. It’s great to branch out to non-celebrities. Here’s my card. (hands out card). Good job intern, you’ll be getting a promotion for sure! (Supervisor exits as Guy beams with pride) Enrico: You know what- Get away from me! Just please get away from me! Give me that! (snatches autograph and tears it up). Rudeness will get you nowhere in life! Guy: But it will in the business world! (Enrico storms off as the scene fades to black.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
