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Dave…Antonio Banderas Bud Selig…Bill Hader Officials…Finesse Mitchell, Chris Parnell Jose Canseco…Horatio Sanz Announcer…Darrell Hammond (voice only) (Open on an apartment) (Dave prepares to sit in front of the television to watch a baseball game playing in the VCR; grabs a bowl of freshly popped popcorn) (Phone rings) Dave: (answering the phone) Hello? No, I don’t want to switch my long distance service! Goodbye! (Grabs the remote to watch the baseball game) (All of a sudden, 3 gentlemen burst through the door into Dave’s apartment; one of the men is tall, old, kind of dorky looking, the other 2 are police-like officials with guns in their hands, ready to shoot at any second) Bud Selig: Mr. Dave Stewart! Dave: Yeah? Bud Selig: You are aware that today is “Saturday”? Dave: Yeah. Bud Selig: Are you also aware that the game you are about to watch on tape is from this past “Monday”, otherwise known as “OPENING DAY”? Dave: Yeah. Bud Selig: Are you also aware that you are doing is considered a crime by Major League Baseball? Dave: (Stutters) No, no. I’m not. Bud Selig: Mr. Stewart, it’s a new season, now. A “new season” means new rules. Not just for the players and the coaches, but for the fans at home. Dave: I understand that, but I had to work all week long and I was looking forward to watching the Red Sox/Rangers game. I dodged the sports page, “SPORTSCENTER”, the sports report on the evening news… Bud Selig: Silence! That is no excuse, Mr. Stewart! Boys, take him into custody! (The 2 officers grab Dave by the arms and begin to drag him out of the apartment; Dave kicks and screams) Dave: HEY! HEY! (The 2 officials stop so Dave can hear Bud Selig’s ending speech; Bud Selig stands directly in front of the main camera, speaking directly into it) Bud Selig: Hello. I’m Bud Selig, the commissioner of Major League Baseball. In the new baseball season, fans that tape baseball games for future viewings, the rules have changed. No longer will you be allowed to keep the tape in your collection for years and years. In the newly instated rule, Major League Baseball now gives you a total of 48 hours from the time of first pitch of the game to watch the game. After 48 hours, if you do not destroy the tape, you have given Major League Baseball the right to send former major league slugger Jose Canseco to your house, condo or apartment and take 3 swings of his bat to the VHS tape. Hopefully, he doesn’t strike out. (Lightly chuckles) (The 2 officials laugh heartily) But seriously, if you do not follow the rules, Major League Baseball will take action. For first time, second time and three time offenders, we will simply send Canseco to your house to destroy the tape. Then every evening, we will call you randomly and tell you who won the game you wanted to REALLY watch that day. How do we know what game? We know who you are! We know what team you like the most! After 3 strikes, you’re out. When you commit this crime a fourth time, we really take action! We pull you out of your home kicking and screaming like a toddler who needs a nap. We then forever in prison you for the rest of your life. You will live out the rest of your days in a jail cell in the basement of the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York. Doing nothing but watching endless footage of “Pairs Figure Skating”. Remember, we know who you are…we know where you live…we know your mother’s maiden name. (Sternly) Don’t mess with us. We’re Major League Baseball! (Bud Selig walks over to Dave) (Shouts) The Red Sox won 7 to 3! Dave: No! I didn’t hear that! I didn’t just hear that! (The 2 officials drop Dave in the doorway of his apartment; they leave with Bud Selig; suddenly Jose Canseco rumbles into the apartment with a “Louisville Slugger” in his hand; Jose grabs the VHS tape and destroys it; out of breathe, Jose grabs a handful of Dave’s popcorn) (Bumper – the Major League Baseball logo) Announcer: This has been a paid message from the commissioner of Major League Baseball, Bud Selig. (fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
