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Chief Seanez...Antonio Banderas Officer Grendel...Jason Sudeikis Officer MacFinn...Will Forte Officer Spalding...Chris Parnell Katie...Amy Poehler Greg...Andy Samberg Officer Longow...Maya Rudolph Victim...Kristen Wiig Suspect...Bill Hader Stephen...Fred Armisen (police chief sitting in his office, watching a tape of Grendel lifting weights in his poorly lit garage; police chief talks in serene, caring voice) Chief Seanez: What do you have to say about that, officer Grendel? Officer Grendel: I thought I could press two-hundred, but.... Chief Seanez: No, no, not about that. You were on paid leave due to an upper back problem and a hernia. And you are lifting weights? Officer Grendel: Look, it’s not what it looks like. I was just... Chief Seanez: Stop, let me show you this. (shows video of Grendel painting the ceiling by jumping up and down over and over, thus showing that he has no hernia) (more video shows him skateboarding, and another shows him tipping a Volkswagen bug over) Officer Grendel: Omigod. How did you find that? Chief Seanez: Despite that, I think you know what I’m going to say. It looks like you’re getting better. Officer Grendel: Huh? Chief Seanez: A hernia is a terrible thing to deal with. I had one when I was about your age. And I always had neck problems due to headaches. I feel for your agony, and am glad that it is progressing well. Take a few more weeks off. Officer Grendel: Wow, thank you, sir. You’re a hell of a guy. Chief Seanez: I care. (as he says, shot of him pauses and show titles come on saying: “The Sensitive Police Chief” in 1980ish cop show music) Announcer (voice): And now it’s time for another episode of “The Sensitive Police Chief!” (cut to office again where Chief Seanez is pacing up and down reading report, with officer sitting down) Chief Seanez: I don’t know if you are aware of the destruction you caused a few days ago, MacFinn. Officer MacFinn: It was just a poorly thought-out decision on my part. Chief Seanez: I don’t know if I would go that far. You went into a bank and came out shooting. Can you tell me why? Officer MacFinn: I just sort of freaked out when I saw that gun. Chief Seanez: You had no idea that banks had security guards that carried guns in their holsters. Officer MacFinn: As strange as it sounds, yes. I really never went into a bank, I usually just went to the drive-up. Chief Seanez: You shot and wounded several innocent people in your crazed tirade, but I’ll tell you what you did accomplish. Officer MacFinn: I know, freaking out the entire town. Chief Seanez: No, you averted what could have been a catastrophe. Officer MacFinn: I did? Chief Seanez: You see, there was an ex-con in the bank that very day. He didn’t have any form of weaponry and was just depositing some money from a 70-hour work week, but we have reason to believe he was up to something sinister. Officer MacFinn: That’s great. Chief Seanez: And barring the eventual lawsuit from the bank victims, we’ll end up pinning it all on that jailbird. Congratulations, MacFinn. Officer MacFinn: Thank you, sir. (shakes his hand and exits) Chief Seanez: He’s a hell of a guy. (officer peaks through door) Officer Spalding: There’s a call from your daughter on line 2. She says it’s urgent. (exits) Chief Seanez: My goodness. I hope everything is alright. (picks up phone, whole conversation is cut to whoever is talking) Katie, what’s wrong? Is everything okay? Katie: I’m fine, daddy. I just called to say that I went to the doctor’s office and found out that I am pregnant. Chief Seanez: Pregnant? But, you’re only fifteen years old. Katie: Don’t worry about me, dad. I’m glad I’m going to be having a kid, especially with my lover, Greg. Chief Seanez: Greg, huh? Isn’t he that guy who dared you to French kiss that stray dog? Katie: He didn’t dare me, I wanted to do it. He was more likely to dare me to do stuff in bed, which is why I’m knocked up. Besides, we’re moving away and getting a pad in San Fran. Chief Seanez: Well, dropping out of high school isn’t the best thing, but I will agree with any choice you make, dear. Katie: Also, we’ll probably be going on a bank robbery spree throughout the country before the decade is over, right, babe? (Greg enters) Greg: Yeah, that’s right, Mr. Seanez. It’s the only way we’ll be able to make money for our love child. Although, I’ll have to say it was somewhat of a miracle, since we did most of the sex in the butt. Chief Seanez: Well, I can’t wait to be grandfather to your little miracle. Katie: Yeah, you’ll probably never see me again. Bye, daddy. Love you. (hangs up) Chief Seanez: A grandfather. I don’t believe it. (officer enters) Officer Longow: Chief, we’ve got the suspect from the Highland rapes downstairs. Chief Seanez: Good. I can’t wait to tear into this guy. (footage of exterior of police station, saying a few hours later) (girl is sitting, weeping in chair outside of interrogation room, with Longow comforting her) Victim: I just know that this is the guy. Oh, please, you have to put this perv away. Officer Longow: Everything’s going to be fine. The best police chief in the country is in there, making him suffer like you had to suffer. We’re going to get him. (cut to suspect sitting in chair, looking smug, chief walking around) Suspect: I don’t know what you’re talking about, copper. The fact of the matter is that you have no proof, no fingerprints, nothing. It’s her word against mine. Chief Seanez: Let’s cut all of the talk, dude. Let me ask you this, why did you do it? Suspect: Do what? Chief Seanez: We all know you did it. Suspect: I don’t know what you mean. Chief Seanez: Her description of the rapist was identical to you. The sketch artist drew a perfect portrait of what you look like. Suspect: Circumstancial evidence. Will never convict me. Chief Seanez: (sitting down across table) Was it a trying childhood? Suspect: (wincing) What are you talking about? Chief Seanez: There are no innocent criminals, I can tell you that right now. But, I believe that environment is the cause of much of today’s crime. Suspect: (pondering) I don’t... Chief Seanez: Did your father do things to you? Suspect: (uncomfortable) I’m not... Chief Seanez: Did he beat you? Did he beat your mother? Suspect: (starting to cry) Oh, God. Yes. He beat me. And for no reason. (weeping) (cut to outside of room) Victim: (calmer) Wow, it sounds like he’s really brutalizing the jerkoff in there. (back to room) Chief Seanez: I’m sure your horrible series of sexual assualts were sparked by a certain event that happened in your early childhood days. Suspect: (blubbering) I....I...saw my father...he...he... Chief Seanez: It’s okay. Go on. Take your time. Suspect: He was beating my mom, and with a belt. And then he just had sex with her right in front of me. I couldn’t believe it. I was only five, and the vision is just so vivid in my mind. It’s tattooed into my subconscious. Chief Seanez: The rapes. You were responsible for these, were you not? Suspect: (nodding) Yes. I’m so sorry. (Seanez gets up and goes over to suspect and wraps his arm over his head as he cries) Chief Seanez: You are in trouble. I won’t deny that. But, I’m going to make damn sure that you are rehabilitated, because you are a good man. Underneath all of that rage and hate, is a genuine member of society. Suspect: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. (crying like a banshee) (back to outside of room, victim and Longow peering in and seeing what looks to be a headlock on suspect and him crying) Victim: I thought police officers weren’t aloud to rough up suspects. Officer Longow: That’s the chief for you. I think everything’s going to be alright. (both laugh, despite the horrible tragedy that befell victim, as shot of them laughing is frozen and end credits roll) Announcer (voice): Don’t forget to tune in next week. Here’s a scene. (back to office, where chief is talking with his geeky son) Stephen: Dad, I’m not going to follow in your footsteps. I want to be a promoter for comic book and sci-fi conventions all over the world. And you can’t stop me, because it’s my dream! Chief Seanez: I can’t say that I’m too happy about the decision, but you have to go with your heart. That’s all that matters, Stephen, and I love you. (chief hugs son, who seems uncomfortable) Stephen: Dad, you’re hugging me too tight. My asthma. Chief Seanez: Oh, sorry. (lets go and Stephen pulls out nose spray and squirts some in nostrils) Announcer (voice): On the next “The Sensitive Police Chief!” (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
