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Ed... Will Forte Jake... Seth Meyers Andrea... Tina Fey Mark... Andy Samberg Randy... Kenan Thompson Mr. Cartwright... Darrell Hammond (Open on a corporate cafeteria. People are walking around, eating lunch, chatting; typical activities you'd see in this setting. The camera shifts to show Ed, dressed in business attire, sitting alone at a table working on a crossword puzzle. He taps his pencil on his chin as he contemplates a word, then writes in an answer. One of his co-workers, Jake, walks up behind him.) Jake: Afternoon, Ed. How are things going? Ed: (not paying attention) Huh? Oh. (He looks up at his friend.) Hey Jake. I'm doing well, thanks for asking. How about you? Jake: I'm okay, can't complain. (He peers in closer over Ed's shoulder) Ah, doing the crossword puzzle, huh? Ed: You got that right. It's my favorite mental exercise. Those heathens with their precious "Sudoku" don't know what they're missing. The crossword is a true test of one's intellect, of the knowledge they have amassed during their lives. It distinguishes the literati from the half-wits. (He looks over the crossword) Five across, "Wonder Woman's feline foe." Cheetah, naturally. (He pencils in the answer. Jake gives him a sly look.) Jake (sarcastic) Yeah, yeah, I see your point. That's a true test of brain power. Ed: (not catching on) I know. And it tests your vocabulary as well. Only the well-read are best prepared to tackle this gem. (he looks over another clue with a puzzled look on his face) Let me see, fluff, spiff... queef! (He writes it down) Jake: (without interest) Well, you have fun with your "test of mental superiority." I'm going to snag a chocolate chip muffin before they're all gone. Ed: Okay, hope you get one. (Jake starts to walk off.) Oh, before you go, let me ask you something. What's your favorite drink? Jake: (confused) Uh... vodka. Why do you ask. Ed: No reason, just asking. (He starts writing an answer in the puzzle) Twelve across, vodka. (Jake stops as he hears this.) Jake: (surprised) Hold on. How could that have been the answer you were looking for? Ed: (trying to cover it up) Oh, no... no reason. Jake: (not buying it) Let me see that. (He goes back and looks at the puzzle over Ed's shoulder) Twelve down, five letters, "Jake Prescott's favorite alcoholic beverage." (He does a double take at this) My favorite drink is a crossword clue?! Ed: It's nothing. Must be a joke the newspaper thought up. You have relatives on the staff? Jake: (still amazed) No I don't. This is incredible. (He looks at it again and does a double take) I don't believe it. (He looks across the room.) Hey Andrea, could you come over here for a minute? Ed: Aw man, come on, let it go. It's nothing major Jake: Are you kidding? She's got to see this. (A casually dressed woman walks up to the two) Andrea: What did you need me for? Jake: You want to get advanced to the sales department, aren't you? Andrea: (shocked) How, how did you know that? I haven't told anyone that I'd like to move up to sales. Jake: It's thirteen across in Ed's crossword puzzle. "The department Andrea Stanton hopes to work in." (Andrea looks at the puzzle to verify this, and is amazed to see that it is indeed a clue.) Ed: (nonchalant) It's not that important. Andrea: Not that important?! You have a prophetic crossword puzzle! And it's got information on everyone who works here! (She turns to look offstage.) Hey everyone, can you come here? There's something you've got to see. Ed: I had a feeling this was going to happen. Jake: Come on, man. You've got to share something like this. (A group of people comes over to the table) Randy: (curious) What do you want to show us? Jake: It's Ed's crossword puzzle. It knows secrets about all the people who work here. Mark: Get out of here! Andrea: No, it's true. Show them Ed. (Ed shakes his head, but the group begins to protest. Calls of "Yeah, come on!" and "Show us, Ed." can be heard. Eventually, he lifts his head up and relents.) Ed: All right, if you insist. But I can't be held responsible for what it reveals. Now, let's get down to business. (He looks at the puzzle again) Eighteen down, "What Mark Connors wants to name his daughter." (He looks surprised and turns to Mark) I didn't know your wife was expecting, man. Congratulations! (the others join in congratulating Mark for his upcoming fatherhood.) Mark: (proud) Well, I didn't want to let people know until she was showing, but thanks. Ed: Don't mention it. Now, according to the other answers I filled in that connect to this one, you want to name your little girl... (he fills in a few letters, then gets a shocked look on his face) Hawkgirl? (Everyone turns to him with puzzled looks) Mark: (defensive) What?! Kevin Smith and Penn can give their kids unique names and I can't raise my daughter as Hawkgirl? Andrea: Mark, Kevin Smith and Penn are popular icons, they can get away with it. If you do that you'll be forever ostracized as an emotionally stunted, immature individual who likes to beat off to anime and comic books. Mark: (defensive) How can you say that about me?! Have you read the psychiatric notes? Did you see the pictures? (Everone gives him even wierder looks, and Mark gets a sheepish expression. He shuts up and slinks into the back of the crowd) Ed: O...kay. Let's do another one. (He looks at the puzzle) Ooh, here's a good one. "Which employee has been finishing off the coffee and not making refills?" I got three letters, so I can finish this and... (he writes in the last letters, then gives Randy a nasty look.) Randy! That is uncool man! We all need caffeine too, don't leave us high and dry! (The other employees scowl at him and start muttering similar statements. Randy: Hey, hey come on guys. It was only one time. You can't get mad at me for that. Ed: Well, according to thirty-one down, you've done it seventy times. (The stares become meaner. Randy returns his own angry glare to the group.) Randy: Now who the hell are you going to believe; me or a game in the Life and Styles section? Ed: Well, this is "The Post"... (Everyone nods in agreement, and Randy shakes his head in disgust and walks off.) Ed: (looks at the puzzle) Ah, here's a good one. Twenty across, four letters, starts with a B, ends with two T's. "Samantha from accounting likes to take it up this." (A woman in the crowd gasps in shock and runs off with an embarassed look on her face. Everyone looks at her and bursts out in laughter.) Andrea: (laughing) Oh my god! That's why she was walking so funny this morning! She said she pulled a muscle in yoga class! (Suddenly Mr. Cartwright, one of the corporate heads, enters the group.) Mr. Cartwright: (no-nonsense) What are you all doing? What's got you laughing like hyenas. Jake: (startled) Oh, uh, Mister Cartwright! You're, um, probably going to find this hard to believe, but Ed's crossword puzzle has information about all of the employees here. Private, even embarassing information they've never told anyone. Ed: It's true, sir. About every other clue reveals some naughty little secret about a co-worker. Mr. Cartwright: (unimpressed) Do you think I'm an idiot. There's no way a crossword puzzle reveal dirty laundry about specific individuals. (He turns to the group) Why don't you get back to your lunch, the break hour's almost over! (The workers disperse, leaving only Jake and Ed with their boss.) Now, I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense. A crossword is nothing but a mental diversion. It cannot contain private and personal information. (He points at Ed and scowls) I don't know what kind of joke you're pulling, Marks, but I'm not falling for it. Now go do something more productive with your time! Ed: I understand, sir. (he takes a glimpse at the puzzle) Wow. (he looks at Cartwright, surprised). You're not going to believe this, sir, but there are two clues in here about you. Mr. Cartwright: (slightly nervous, after a beat) There are? Ed: Yeah. There's eleven down, the amount of money in millions you've embezzled from the company, and then twenty seven across, the name of your secret lover. Mr. Cartwright: (shocked) What?! Jake: (equally shocked) Mister Cartwright, I can't believe it! Your wife is a wonderful woman, how could you be unfaithful? Mr. Cartwright: (trying to regain composure) I'm not... I never did... look, I have never taken a dime from this corporation that I did not earn, and I have never engaged in liasons with anyone other than my wife. (There's an uncomfortable pause between the three) Jake: (to Ed) So who's the chick he's been banging on the side? Ed: Well, it might not be a chick. (Jake and Cartwright's eyes widen.) It's four letters, the first three are M, A and R. So the last one can be either a K or a Y. I'll know the answer when I get twenty four down. Mr. Cartwright: (stammering) Uh, listen, listen Edward. Why don't you put that simple little puzzle aside. You've got quite a bit of work to do. And you do fine work for this business; you're one of the greatest employees here. Ed: (intrigued) Really? Mr. Cartwright: Yes! As a matter of fact, your work is so splendid, I'm going to speak with the board about a possible promotion. With a raise and a corner office! Ed: I don't know what to say. Thank you sir. Mr. Cartwright: (with false calm) Not a problem. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and bring this up with the board! (He turns and walks away, walking in a rather jerky motion) Jake: Are you feeling okay, sir? Mr. Cartwright: Yes, fine! I just, uh... pulled a hamstring training for the Memorial Day marathon. (Cartwright leaves the cafeteria. Ed sets his paper down and smiles, chuckling lightly.) Jake: (impressed) Wow, you made out like a bandit there. Ed: (happily) Yes I did. I knew that puzzle maker software was a good investment. Jake: (surprised) Wait... you made that yourself? Ed: That I did, Jake. I've collected a lot of dirt on people during my time here, but simple blackmail seems so pedestrian. I found this to be a more "creative" approach to extort and humiliate my fellow workers. Jake: (even more impressed) Ed my man... you are one huge prick. (He pats him on the shoulder) Ed: (faking embarassment) Stop, you're making me blush. If you come by tomorrow at this time, I bet one of the clues will indicate who in accounting's hooked on meth. (They both laugh slyly) Well, now that that's over with, time for the real crossword. (He opens another section of the paper and pulls out a page with the actual crossword on it. He looks at it for a moment, then turns to Jake.) Help me out here. How do you start the show in thirty one letters? Jake: Let me see... (he counts off the letters in each word on his fingers as he speaks.) Live... from... New York... it's... Saturday Night. Ed: Great, thanks. (He starts to write it in, but the tip of his pencil snaps off.) Dammit! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
