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Dr. Jesus Lopez…Antonio Banderas Patient #1…Will Forte Nurse Kelly Andrews…Rachel Dratch Paramedic…Bill Hader Nurse Kim Drey…Kristin Wiig Patient #2…Maya Rudolph Dr. Michael Sampson…Finesse Mitchell Dr. Andrea Matthews…Amy Poehler Patient #3…Kenan Thompson Dr. Rob Davis…Seth Meyers Dr. John Allen…Andy Samberg Dr. Jeffery Jones…Chris Parnell (Fade in) (A busy emergency room) Dr. Jesus Lopez: Sir, tell me what happened! Patient #1: (Groaning) I was putting up some birthday presents in the garage when a big painting ladder fell on my head. Nurse Kelly Andrews: What do you think, Doctor? Perhaps some basic painkillers and an ice pack to ease the swelling? Dr. Jesus Lopez: Correct. (Nurse Kelly Andrews walks away to get what the doctor has agreed upon) Mr. Simpson, please take it easy. Patient #1: (Groans) So let me guess, the two of you are sleeping together. Dr. Jesus Lopez: What makes you say that? Patient #1: I see the way you were looking at her. Gazing into her eyes, she does the same. Trust me. I may have a concussion, but I know these things. I watch plenty of television. Dr. Jesus Lopez: What do you suggest? Patient #1: Go do her in the supply closet. I’ll be fine. (Pan to the emergency room entry door, where a paramedic is rushing in a pregnant woman) Paramedic: 31-year-old woman, 5 months pregnant. She fell down a flight of stairs. She’s feeling a contraction every 11 minutes. Nurse Kim Drey: Ma’am, my name is Kim. I’m a nurse! This is Dr. Sampson. We’re going to help you. How many steps do you think you feel down? Patient #2: About 10, I think. (Pause) So tell me. How long have you been sleeping together? Dr. Michael Sampson: I’m sorry? Patient #2: Are you not banging each other? Nurse Kim Drey: Ma’am, try on remember what happened. Patient #2: I remember…I remember this from an episode of “ER”. Noah Wyle was banging Julianne Margulies, but she didn’t want George Clooney to know about it. Dr. Michael Sampson: Ma’am, her and I are not banging each other. She’s a lesbian! She’s been fooling around with the head surgeon on the 11th floor. Patient #2: Oh. I guess I should watch more “Grey’s Anatomy” then. Doctor, you’re gay, right? You’ve been taking the “Brownsville Express” to the paramedic who brought me in here, right? Dr. Michael Sampson: I am gay. But the paramedic and I broke 3 months ago. I’ve been seeing the Mexican doctor’s brother for a while. (Pan to another area of the emergency room) Dr. Andrea Matthews: Sir, can you tell me what happened? Patient #3: I think so. I was at work, pulling loads of lumber off the trailer when I made one quick move and I twisted my ankle. Dr. Andrea Matthews: Hmm…Dr. Davis, can you come over here for a minute. Dr. Rob Davis: What do we have here? Dr. Andrea Matthews: A twisted ankle, but it seems to look a lot worse than that. Dr. Rob Davis: Sir, does it hurt when I do this? Patient #3: (Yells) Goddamn! Dr. Andrea Matthews: Rob, why did you stand me up last night? I waited all night! Patient #3: Dude, that’s wrong, man! Maybe I’ve seen too many episodes of “ER” but I know a “doctor on doctor” break-up coming any minute! You been cheatin’ on her! (Dr. Andrea slaps Dr. Rob) (Cut to two male doctors looking over the board) Dr. Jeffery Jones: What’s going on with Andrea and Rob? Dr. John Allen: Oh, nothing big. Rob’s been cheating on her with the new fresh out of medical school nurse. Dr. Jeffery Jones: Awkward! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
