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Man.....Bill Hader Woman.....Kristin Wiig Seller.....Rachel Dratch Neighbor.....Antonio Banderas [ SUPER: "An SNL Digital Short" ] [ dissolve to elevator, as the doors open and a Man and Woman step out and walk down the hall away from the camera ] Woman: Five floors up. Man: The elevator holds forty people comfortably. Woman: Forty people can squeeze themselves in just fine. But there's just you and me to move this futon. Man: Still, we're not going to find a better deal than a $10 futon. [ they stop at the end of the hall, in front of a futon sitting in front of an apartment door ] Woman: Is this it? What's that note? [ picks up note on futon ] "It's free. Enjoy." Man: Let's make sure. [ knocks on the door ] [ Seller answers the door ] Seller: You the people who answered the ad on the internet? Man: Yes. We're here for the futon. Seller: It's free. Enjoy. Man: I've heard that line before. Seller: I been trying to sell this futon for three weeks. No matter how low I mark it, the people that say they want it don't show up. You're here. Take it. I don't have room for it inside. If you don't take it, I'm giving it to Goodwill. Woman: We buy all our old record albums from them. Man: You've never seen so many Gordon Lightfoot albums in one place. Seller: [ takes out a quarter ] Look - it's you or Goodwill. Make a decision. [ flips the quarter ] Man: Of course we'll take it! Seller: It's free. Enjoy. [ closes her door ] Woman: Catch phrase city. [ cut to Man and woman pushing the futon across the parking lot below, as they approach they car ] Woman: I don't think it's gonna fit in our Volvo. Man: It does look smaller now that we have the futon sitting next to it. Woman: We should have bought a convertible. Man: That's neither here nor there. Woman: Maybe we could take it apart. Man: With what? Woman: Tools. Man: All we have in the car is a hammer and a tire gauge. Woman: Why do you have the tire gauge? Man: To check the tire pressure. Woman: That's not going to get this futon into the car. Man: No. Woman: I could go buy some tools. Man: And leave me here, alone, with the futon? Woman: Unless you two want to go. Man: No. We'll wait here. [ Woman takes the car keys from the Man, then drives off. He begins to pace as he waits. ] [ cut to twenty minutes later, the Man sitting on the futon with his hands behind his head. The Seller's Neighbor passes on the sidewalk, and stares at the Man. ] Neighbor: Where did you get this futon? Man: What? Neighbor: Where did you get this futon? Man: I-I just bought it from one of the tenants -- Neighbor: Which apartment? Man: Which apartment? Neighbor: Yes. Man: Um.. 506. Neighbor: 506. [ dramatic sting ] For years, I have coveted this futon. Many a lonely night, I have spotted this futon in their living room as they exited their apartment to go off to some fancy party or extravagent get-together. Often, I have spoken to them of selling me this exquisite piece of furniture - for which I would pay handsomely - should the day ever come that they tire of its existence in their lives. That day is now. But you have my futon. Man: Well, uh.. I-I was the first to call them back. It was between me and another buyer, who didn't show. Neighbor: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So everyone knew it was for sale but me? Man: It was on the internet. Neighbor: The internet. I know about this internet. This futon was not on my internet. Man: I'm sorry. [ soft muic suddenly blares from out of nowhere: "Do you know where you're go-ing to, do you like the things that life is show-ing you..?" ] Neighbor: One moment - my cell phone. Man: [ dumbstruck ] "Mahogany" is your ring tone?! Neighbor: [ into cell phone ] Let me call you back, a futon is at stake. Don't worry about what do I mean. [ hangs up ] How much did you pay for this futon? Man: Well, I don't -- Neighbor: No, no, tell me. Whatever it was, I will pay you double to claim that which is rightfully mine. Man: It was nothing. Neighbor: Come on, come on - what's the figure. I'm not bluffing. Man: [ considers the proposal, knowing the deal he's already scored ] I paid.. fifty dollars. Neighbor: I give you one hundred. Man: Cash? Neighbor: Cash. [ takes out wallet, counts bills ] Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, one-hundred. Count it back if you'd like. Man: [ flips through the bills ] Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty. Neighbor: Uh-uh-uh. [ separates the last two bills from one another ] One-hundred. I see what you try to do, but you cannot fool me. Man: Can't blame a guy for trying, right? Enjoy the futon. Neighbor: Oh, I will. I will. [ Neighbor begins to drag the futon back into the building, as he happily whistles "It's a Good Day" ] [ cut to Woman pulling back up to the curb, as Man climbs into the car with a serious look on his face ] Woman: Where's the futon? Man: Drive. Woman: Where's the futon? Man: I said drive! [ Woman stares perplexed at Man, slowly drives out of frame ] [ cut to Woman and Man in the moving car, a few minutes later ] Woman: Okay, so where's the futon? Man: I sold it. Woman: You sold it? Man: I sold it. Woman: You sold it. So, what are we going to sleep on tonight? Man: I sold it for one-hundred dollars. Woman: Okay, we can sleep on the floor one more night. Man: I could buy that DVD recorder I've been wanting. [ Woman gives him a dirty look ] Man: -- or we could put it toward our futon budget! [ they remain in silence as they drive ] [ cut to interior apartment building, as Neighbor drags the futon down the hall to his door. Seller comes out of her apartment, sees Neighbor, and stops. ] Seller: Where did you get that? Neighbor: Where did I get that? Looks nice, hah? I buy it back from the man you sell it to. Thought you could keep it away from me, but I outsmarted you, hah? Seller: What do you mean you bought it back? For how much? Neighbor: One-hundred dollars. I would have gladly given you twice that, in lieu of the sorry fifty you made off that other guy. Seller: Fifty dollars? Says you. I wanted to get rid of it so bad, I let the guy take it for free. Neighbor: [ alarmed ] For free? Seller: That futon was free when I got it. In fact, my cousin paid me $15 to take it off her hands when she got married, and then I haggled her for twenty! You're a jackass! [ closes her door ] Neighbor: [ fuming ] Maybe! But I have that futon! [ stares at the futon ] I am so disgusted, I no longer want you! [ leaves the futon in the hall and slam his door shut. After a moment, he reappears. ] Yes I do, yes I do, yes I do! [ grabs the futon ] Come inside, my dear. [ pushes the futon towards his door, bumps it against the door frame ] Come on! [ pushes the futon, bumps it against the door frame ] Come on! [ screams, then dives onto top of the cushion thrashing about and tearing into the padding ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
