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Kremlorg...Rachel Dratch Petey...Seth Meyers Bill...Jason Sudeikis Patron...Bill Hader (cut to bar, short green alien with no mouth walks in and sits down on barstool) (throughout entire sketch, Kremlorg emits a technotic noise whenever he/she/it speaks) Petey: How are ya? Kremlorg: (subtitles) I would like a drink please. Petey: I can’t understand what you’re saying. I’m gonna need to see some I.D. (Kremlorg takes out photo I.D. and hands it to Petey) Petey: I can’t read this. It looks like Chinese. Kremlorg, is it? How old are you? (Kremlorg holds up her hands, showing that she has ten fingers on each hand, indicating that it is twenty years old) Close enough. I’ll get you a brewski. (goes out back) (Bill comes out of nowhere hooting and hollering, with a green, plastic hat on and a beer in his hand) Bill: WAHOO!!!!!!! Ain’t no other day like this!!! I tell ya! Is there a better day? Huh? (sits down next to alien, who looks peeved) Huh? Hey, look who’s dressed for the occasion. You went all out! (Kremlorg holds up hands, as if to say: back off) Boy! I’m drunk. I’ll tell you that right now! Ha! Of course, I’m not the only one. I’m not the only one drunk in this place, or anywhere for that matter. Do you know that St. Patrick’s Day is the only day you can get away with being drunk? (Petey comes back with beer for Kremlorg) Petey: Bill, I don’t know how to say this, but St. Patrick’s Day was like a month ago. Anyways, you get away with being drunk every single day. We just try to ignore you. Bill: You know it really hurts me to hear you say something like that; it really does. (starts to weep) I just like some company when I guzzle down several dozen beer, is that so bad? (hugs Kremlorg) Petey, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I came in here one day, and I asked for a cup of water. Now, was I drunk then? Petey: Actually, you were high on paint fumes from earlier in the day, so I wouldn’t give you any beer. That was five years ago. You’ve been in here since you were 21. Bill: Hey, Petey, do you mind? I’m talking to my new bud here. (Bill grabs Kremlorg by the shoulder as if to hug him, Kremlorg holds up hands as if to say: no thanks) You look familiar, have we ever met? Ever been to Roswell, New Mexico? I believe I saw you there. (Kremlorg rolls eyes) St. Patrick’s Day, huh? Makes you wonder. Is there anything the Irish can’t do? Seriously. I knew this Irish guy, he worked with me on this summer job I had one year. The guy was as big as a house, and every day he would come in to work with a backpack, which contained his lunch. I tell ya, the guy would eat his 5-pound lunch in minutes. It was unbelievable. The poor guy didn’t know how to read, though, which was a shame. (Kremlorg looks at his ten-fingered hand as if looking at a fake watch) Another round of beers, Petey! One for my friend, here. Petey: I think you’ve had enough for today, Bill. Bill: Petey, can I ask you a question? Petey: Yeah. Bill: What day is it today? Petey: It’s not the day you think it is. Bill: No, no. I really don’t. What day is it today, Pete? What day is it? Petey: It’s St. Patrick’s Day. Bill: St. Patty’s Day, you say? How odd! I thought on St. Patty’s Day you could drink as much as you want and not be judged for it. Petey: I think you made that up, Bill. Bill: Can I finish, Petey? (holds up hands, pauses) As I was saying....wait....what was I saying? (Kremlorg waves hand as if to say: get on with it) Oh yes. Gays should not be in the parade. Petey: That’s not... Bill: Petey, get me some booze, or I’m jumping this counter and putting my mouth on all of the taps. (Petey throws hands in air and goes back) You know, I want to walk downtown sloshed out of my mind, not having to look at two guys dry humping each other. Is that so wrong? I mean, wow. God. It’s just me, right? I hope not. (Petey comes back with beer for Bill and Kremlorg) Petey: I’m sure two men holding hands is deplorable compared to a guy urinating on the city hall steps. Bill: See, he gets it. Speaking of which, I gotta do that right now. Petey: Hold a dude’s hand? Bill: No, evacuate the fire hose. Petey: The bathroom is locked, being repaired. Bill: Don’t you listen? I’m going to go pee on the city hall steps. Get with it, man. (Bill leaves, Kremlorg wipes brow as if to say: thank God) Petey: So, what’s your story? You look like one of those creatures from outer space. (Kremlorg makes a circle, indicating the earth. It then proceeds to demonstrate with it’s hands it blowing up) Oh, destroying the earth. Sounds good. But, you’ll have to deal with our great troops. America, for one, has the best armed forces anywhere. (Kremlorg shakes head as if to say: yeah, right.) No, really. I was in Vietnam, buddy. Okay, maybe that’s not a great example. (Kremlorg nods assuringly; bartender leaves; patron approaches bar) Patron: Hey, look at this freak at the bar. (gives Kremlorg a noogie) Do you mind if I throw these paenuts at your face? I would really get a kick out of it. (Kremlorg looks around, nervous, pulls out ray gun and deletes and changes patron’s memory; melting brain) How...are...you...today? Would...you...like...some...beer? On...the...house! (Bill comes back) Bill: Whoa! Did you hear that? On the drinkingest day of the year, this asswipe has seemed to have suffered a mind-melding transformation that will give us free beer for the rest of the day! WAHOO!!! (patron then collapses from the brain damages, other patrons played by extras jump up and down) (Kremlorg quietly leaves) (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
