|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Owner… Bill Hader Employee #1… Fred Armisen Employee #2… Chris Parnell (Opens with an exterior shot of a Sears Grand store. The scene goes to the inside of the building. The owner of the store is standing in front of his employees.) (fade in) Owner: Hello, as you all probably know I am the owner of this Sears Grand store and first off I would like to thank you for attending this mandatory staff meeting and let me remind you that if you had chosen not to attend you would have been fired. I called this meeting today because our sales are down and we are having trouble keeping up with the competition. The biggest complaint that customers have is that they have to wait too long in the check out line. One person even said that he was in line for over three hours and he was the only one in line and only bought two things. I don’t know how it could possibly take that long for a cashier to scan the items, take the money, and give the customer their change and receipt. Any normal person could have done this in at most five minutes, but then it has been brought to my attention that many of you have learning disabilities. So, I have devised a number of ways to speed up the line at the register. One way we will speed things up is by instituting my new make a sale, get a cookie policy. With this policy every time you make a sale you get to enjoy a delicious cookie. The more sales you make, the more cookies you get and the faster you make sales, the faster you get the cookies. Another reason the lines at the register are so long could be that some of you don’t know how to perform the simple task of working the cash register. That is why we have a new program for the registers. With this new program the button that you are supposed to hit on the screen will flash red and will have messages such as “Click here and win a free IPod.” or “You get a free Xbox 360 by clicking here.”. You will want these prizes and it will be shiny and flashing so you will want to hit the right button. I think this will greatly increase the speed and number of our sales. Are there any questions? (Employee #1 raises his hand.) Owner: (points at employee #1) What is your question? Employee #1: Do we get the prizes? Owner: Well, (pause) you get them in the sense that by working more you will make more money and can go buy them. Employee #1: Yes! I’m gettin’ me an IPod and listenin’ to some sounds. Owner: (slowly) Okay. Are there any more questions? Employee #2: Can we get somethin’ besides cookies when we make a sale? Owner: What would rather have besides cookies? Employee #2: Well, I really like to eat those Styrofoam things that come in packages that are delivered. They taste good and stop my belly from moving around and getting hurt when I walk. Owner: No. No, I don’t think we can do that. We better just stick to the cookies. Employee #2: We get cookies! Alright I love cookies! Owner: (amazed by the employees stupidity) Good for you. Are there any more questions? (looks around at all of the employees) No? Alright, thank you for coming to the meeting. I will see you at work on Monday to see if these new policies work, (under his breath) which I pray to god they do. (fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
