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Announcer.....Don Pardo .....Amy Poehler .....Tina Fey Katie Couric.....Kristin Wiig Jeff Zucker.....Bill Hader Horatio Sanz Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. On Thursday, paleontologists announced the discovery of the Tikaalik Genus, the missing link between fish and land animals. Also be on the lookout for the Tikaalik Genus to pop up on Applebees new Sizzling Fish Fry menu. President Bush’s chief of staff Andrew Card resigned this past week. As his contract with the United States Government states, Andrew Card will now replace Craig Ferguson as host of “The Late Late Show” after “Letterman” on CBS. Amy Poehler: A line of severe tornados and thunderstorms marched through Tennessee on Friday, killing 11. Meteorologists are calling this weather crisis “A southern buffet for nature’s fury and it’s going back for seconds and thirds.” “It’s all you can eat, trailer trash bitches!” NASA is investigating some mysterious incidents at Cape Canaveral. According to the investigation, the accidental fires, dropped items, and severe damage to sensitive equipment started after Warner Brothers forced its way in and began filming it’s latest Sci-Fi bumbling comedy. Tina Fey: New documents were released this week revealing that President Bush approved the information leak involving a CIA agent. Man, if I were a government document, I wouldn’t open any unusual looking pieces of mail anytime soon. Amy Poehler: This week, Tom Cruise told the media that instead of Katie Holmes giving birth on the SCIENTOLOGY yacht, they’ve decided to move the birth to a more isolated, more private place where she can concentrate on her silent birth. Katie Holmes will now be giving birth in a movie theatre showing the new film “Basic Instinct 2”. Tina Fey: Well, as we are all aware by now, Katie Couric announced earlier this week, that she will be leaving the NBC morning show “TODAY” to become the head anchor of the “CBS Evening News”. No one at NBC has been able to get a word from the President of the network, Jeff Zucker. Weekend Update was able to get Katie Couric to guest report for us, to see if we could get a word from Jeff Zucker. We now go to Katie Couric who is somewhere in Rockefeller Center. Katie? (Cut to Katie Couric in an elevator, giving her report) Katie Couric: Hello. I’m Katie Couric. We are searching for Jeff Zucker tonight and so far, we have come up with nothing. There was a report from his secretary that since Wednesday, Jeff had been held up in his office, in a dark corner, in the fetal position, weeping. But we have since found out that he is no longer in his office. We are heading up to the roof of the building. That is the only place we haven’t checked. (Elevator reaches the top floor of the building; the camera shutters around like on “COPS”) Mr. Zucker! Mr. Zucker! (Cut to Jeff Zucker on the ledge of the roof) Jeff Zucker: You did this to me, you dirty bitch! You think CBS is going to treat you with the compassion that NBC has shown you for the last 15 years? Think again! You’ve ruined me you dirty bitch! I’ll never love another woman the way I loved you… (Jeff Zucker jumps off the building) (Cut back to Katie Couric) Katie Couric: Well, there you have it. A desperate man; a desperate time; a desperate action. For NBC News, I’m Katie Couric. (Cut back to “Weekend Update”) Amy Poehler: Wow! She really is ready for “The Evening News”. Tina Fey: Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Zucker, dead one day shy of his 41st birthday. Fox’s new reality show “On the Lot” will feature young filmmakers competing for a studio deal and the show will be hosted by Steven Spielberg. Fox producers said the show will be similar to a suspense thriller, with a group of naïve people running around being ordered around by a monster. Amy Poehler: 3 people were pronounced dead after a shooting at a Los Angeles area “Denny’s”. Talk about a grand slam! (Looks down as she realizes how unfeeling the punch line was) A group of retired NAVY SEALS are seeking reparations for years and years of “semen” jokes. Scientists this week revealed that “PEPSI” is no better or worse than “COKE”. Millions of dollars in research and this is the best they can come up with? Scientists have WAY TOO MUCH time on their hands if they are studying the dynamics of “The Pepsi Challenge”. Tina Fey: A study this week has shown that elderly women who watch daytime soap operas and talk shows have a greater chance of memory loss and eventual death. In other words, “Oprah” is trying to kill my GRANDMOTHER! Amy Poehler: A growing thread on television series this year has been killing off characters. We here at “Saturday Night” would like to continue this thread. Horatio? (Horatio rushes on to the Update set) Horatio Sanz: (out of breath) Yeah? (Amy pulls out a gun and shoots Horatio in the stomach; Horatio collapses) Tina Fey: Is he dead? (Amy grabs one of Horatio’s arms and drops it as it is dead weight) Amy Poehler: Yeah, he’s dead, all right! Announcer: (V/O) This has been another installment of “Saturday Night” jumping the shark! Amy Poehler: Sad news to report in the NBC Universal family, host of the CNBC show “Mad Money” Jim Cramer dropped dead of a heart attack earlier this evening. Reached for comment, Cramer’s doctor said, “You’d be amazed how much it would have helped, had he just switched to DECAF.” Tina Fey: A shocking turn of events occurred on “THE VIEW” this week, when Joy Behar called Starr Jones a “bitch” and told her to stop talking about her most recent health scare. Starr Jones proceeded to un-hinge her jaw, and eat Joy Behar whole. Elizabeth Hasselback giggled at first, but then her face turn to terror while in between bites, Starr ask Elizabeth if she had any salt and pepper. Joy Behar, dead at the un-funny age of 60 or something. Joy will not be missed. Amy Poehler: After citing her desire to get breast implants, Paris Hilton has signed on to host a new show on MTV called “Pimp My Rack”. In other Paris Hilton news, a young boy with cancer was giving the dream of a lifetime as Paris Hilton had raunchy sex with the 7-year-old boy for over an hour. Afterwards, as Paris was getting dressed, the boy died of what doctors are calling a combination of “shock” and “the clap”. Tina Fey: The hit ABC show “Desperate Housewives” has spawned a video game, as well as a new series of X-rated films. The first release: She Takes It In Her Cul-de-sac! Amy Poehler: Finally tonight, the America / Mexico Border Authority reported earlier this week that puppies were recently smuggled into the United States from Mexico. This story has been named “The cutest news story ever!” A humorous side-note, the puppies were later accidentally shipped off to a small South Korean village, where the pups were eaten by the locals. Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. (Jeff Zucker stumbles on to the set of “Weekend Update”; bloody and bruised from his jump off the Rockefeller Center building) Jeff Zucker: Don’t you leave me, too, Tina! I love you! Katie means nothing to me. You are the one I want! The one I need! (Jeff Zucker passes out on the Update desk) Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have pleasant tomorrow. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
