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Kevin...Jason Sudeikis Waiter...Will Forte Vanessa...Lindsay Lohan Patron...Amy Poehler Manager...Kenan Thompson (setting is in restaurant, man is sitting at table alone) Kevin: Hi, I was wondering if I could get a drink. Waiter: Are you by yourself? Kevin: No, I’m awaiting a blind date. Sort of. My friend set me up with an ex-girlfriend that I used to go out with, but he wouldn’t tell me who it was. Waiter: That’s strange. Kevin: Hey, when you’re urging for ‘tang, you’ll do anything. Am I right? Waiter: I’m a eunuch. Kevin: Uh... Waiter: (visibly upset) I’ll be right back with your drink. (voice shouts out) Vanessa (voice): Kevin! Kevin, is that you? Kevin: Who is that? (woman comes out with green complexion, spider-veins, cobwebs all over, dirt all over her) Vanessa: It’s me, Vanessa. Kevin: (disturbed) Vanessa? Vanessa: Wow, I have to sit down. I’m just so tired. Kevin: Uh-huh. (Vanessa sits down and bones make cracking and breaking sounds) Vanessa: It is so good to see you again. Kevin: Same here. Um.... Vanessa: Wow, do you remember the last time we went out on a date? Kevin: It was quite some time ago. Vanessa: I’ll bet you would never think it was me, huh? Kevin: Actually, you’re right on the money with that observation. Vanessa: I’m glad I surprised you. Kevin: Surprise is very much an understatement. Vanessa: So, what’s going on? Kevin: (shaken, cringing) Oh, nothing much. I’m assistant manager at Denny’s. Vanessa: That’s good. Kevin: And I drive a blue...I’m sorry. Vanessa: What is it? Kevin: I don’t want to sound obtrusive. After all, it is a date, right? Vanessa: Right. Ask away. Kevin: Didn’t you die two years ago? Vanessa: That I did. Was that your question? Kevin: (confused) One of several. If you're dead, why are you here? Vanessa: Well, I have to get out. I mean, just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I have to stop living. Kevin: Actually, I believe that is what dead people do. They stay in their graves, where they rot away and turn to dust. And your soul goes into Heaven or Hell or a horse. Vanessa: Look, I know we had our problems with communication when we were going out, but I don’t want that to happen tonight. This is a new happening. Kevin: What? Vanessa: Just ask me what you really want to ask me. Kevin: That was the real question. Vanessa: I know you’re covering for something else. Kevin: I’m not. Is this even possible to walk around dead like this? Vanessa: Hon, it’s me, Vanessa. Let it out. Ask me what you want. Kevin: Alright. My friend is playing a huge joke on me. Vanessa: Oh, is he? (Vanessa pulls out eyeball and shows it to him, and then puts it back in) Kevin: Well, you really know how to keep a man. Vanessa: I’m starving. Did you order yet? Kevin: Uh, no. I didn’t know what to order for a half-dead zombie that I used to fool around with. It kind of slipped away from me what I should order. Vanessa: You’re so silly. (patron approaches table) Patron: Hi, I’m sitting way at the other end of the restaurant. Vanessa: Yes? Patron: I was just wondering if you could turn down your offensive odor just a teensy bit. Please. For my sake, at least. Vanessa: Odor? Patron: Yes, it’s the worst smell I could ever imagine. And once again, I have to say, I’m at the opposite end of the building over there. Kevin: (wincing) I can barely see it. Patron: Uh-huh. That’s because it’s way down there. Anyways, I’m sure there is a button somewhere where you can turn that cross between dead skunk and sewage. Kevin: I’m sorry. It’s not her fault. She’s dead and all. (patron leaves) Vanessa: Look, I know this isn’t working out, but let’s just talk over a nice dinner. Hopefully then, everything will work out. Kevin: Whatever, Elvira. (waiter approaches) Waiter: Here are your complimentary soups that come with any of the dinners, tonight. (looks at Vanessa) Wow, she’s a real catch. (whispers to Kevin) By that, I mean she smells like a net full of slimy fish. (waiter leaves) Vanessa: Wow, minestrone. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse. Kevin: Is that what zombies do? (Vanessa goes to take a sip of soup, when a piece of her flesh falls into the bowl) Vanessa: Whoops-a-daisy! Kevin: That’s it! This is where I draw the line. Vanessa: Oh, come on. Everything was going so well. Kevin: I’m sorry, but I’m not a fan of a woman whose face falls apart in her appetizer. But, hey, I’m picky. Vanessa: That’s not fair, Kevin. Kevin: I know, Vanessa, it’s not fair. But, you’re dead. Let’s face it. (sad, emotional music starts playing) The two of us being together would be the next Romeo & Juliet. We are two completely different people in an imperfect world. Our paths crossing today may have been magical, but nothing will ever bring us together in this topsy-turvy time. (music stops) Plus, I don’t do dead chicks. (gets up and leaves) (manager comes up to table) Manager: We are receiving many complaints from the dinner guests here about the stench coming from this table. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Vanessa: I get dumped by my favorite ex-boyfriend and now this. Manager: I’m sorry to hear that. I’d be glad to give you a ride home. Vanessa: That would be lovely. I live in Foxwoods Cemetery. Manager: Maybe you could come over to my place for dinner, since you didn’t have any tonight. Vanessa: You know, I am undead. Manager: You still smell better than the random hooker I bring home every night. It’s a habit. (hold hands and proceed away with worms falling from woman) (fin) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
