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Jeffrey Coulter...Andy Samberg Pedestrian...Jorma Taccone Wife...Kristen Wiig Interviewer...Bill Hader Father...Chris Parnell Priest...Fred Armisen ...Jay Leno Mailman...Jason Sudeikis Bum...Horatio Sanz (Caption: An SNY Digital Short) (man is walking down the street, looking around, minding his own business) (suddenly, a good amount of white bird excrement falls on his shoulder, some on his head) (man looks up and realizes what happened, gets a big smile on his face and jumps up and down in amazement) (man comes up to pedestrian and hugs him) Jeffrey Coulter: It happened! It’s a miracle! What are the odds! (leaves and is still very happy) (cut to scene where he is talking to a woman in a restaurant) Jeffrey Coulter: I mean, there I was; just minding my own business. Walking up the road, and you wouldn’t believe what happened! Wife: Well, what? Jeffrey Coulter: A bird flew over me and crapped right on my head. Wife: (shocked) No! Jeffrey Coulter: I mean, it’s obviously a message sent from the gods. Wife: God. You are Catholic, not Greek. Jeffrey Coulter: Anyways, I’m gonna make sure my life stays on target. This is a positive sign that I will be going places. (cut to Jeffrey in office talking with interviewer) Interviewer: Although, your work ethic has been phenomenal in the past few weeks, it’s come to my attention that you have been going through some turmoil. (cut to Jeffrey, whose bird poop is still dripping down him) Jeffrey Coulter: How do you figure, sir? Interviewer: Well, you haven’t changed your clothes, and you obviously haven’t taken a shower in over a month. Jeffrey Coulter: Oh, it’s just that a miraculous occurence happened to me... Interviewer: That’s all well and good, really. I’m going to promote you to vice chairman of the office. You will have half of the company working under you. What do you think about that? Jeffrey Coulter: I think that is amazing. And I owe it all to this cream-colored fecal matter running down my head. Interviewer: It’s no problem. Now, get out of my office before I puke from the stench. (quick cut to Jeffrey talking to his wife’s father) Jeffrey Coulter: I will be receiving a six-figure salary by year’s end. Yes, things are going in the right direction for me. Father: Well, you have my permission to marry my beautiful daughter. But, if I could make a suggestion. Just one tiny one....please take a shower. You smell disgusting. Jeffrey Coulter: I’m afraid that is out of the question. That hawk’s loss of stomach control is the key to my success in life. Father: Right. Of course. (cut to Jeffrey walking down the aisle with bride, excrement now turning black and viscuous) Priest: We are gathered here today to unite this man and this woman in holy matrimony... (shot of bride smiling, and quick shot of Jeffrey smiling with disgusting slime on one side of his face) (cut to after-ceremony progress) (guests clang glasses, and two kiss, much to the disgust of many people; after finished, we see that wife has black stuff on her face) (cut to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Jeffrey sitting in chair near Jay Leno) Jay Leno: I understand you had a bird poop on your head a year or so ago. Jeffrey Coulter: Yep, I was just walking down the street and I felt this wet substance land right on my shoulder. Jay Leno: Wow, that’s just incredible. Jeffrey Coulter: I thought that it may have been raining... (audience laughs as well as Leno) Jay Leno: I guess you were wrong about that. (audience laughs even harder) Jeffrey Coulter: That’s right, Jay. Jay Leno: Thank you, Jeffrey Coulter. Make sure to pick up his new book in stores now: “How A Bird Spraying On My Noggin Helped Me In Life”. (shakes hands with him) Nice to meet you. (Leno wipes hand off and starts gagging) (cut to their house where there is obvious fighting going on) Wife: I just can’t take this anymore, Jeff. It’s getting out of hand. Jeffrey Coulter: What is? Wife: It just seems that you have changed. (shot of Jeffrey who doesn’t have poop on himself anymore) Jeffrey Coulter: Honey, bird poop disintegrates over time. It wasn’t my fault. Wife: It’s never your fault. I don’t love you anymore, Jeff. Jeffrey Coulter: It’s the mailman, isn’t it? Wife: What? Jeffrey Coulter: You’ve been eyeing that mailman ever since he was struck by lightning during that hailstorm. I can see it in your eyes. Wife: And so what if I am? He’s more man than you’ll ever be. Do you know the chances of being struck by lightning? Birds poop on people all of the time. Jeffrey Coulter: They do? Wife: I’m leaving you. (wife slams door, where we see her run out into the arms of mailman, who has char burns all over clothing) (cut to guy in street with tattered clothes, drinking from a brown bag of wine) (notices to the right of him that a bum is urinating on him) Jeffrey Coulter: Hey, what the hell are you doing? Bum: Oh, sorry. I thought you were just a pile of garbage. In other words, my toilet. Jeffrey Coulter: Well, I might as well be. I lost my wife, my job, my personality, my bird doo-doo. Nothing is going right for me. Bum: (ignoring him) That’s too bad. I’m gonna go piss in peace over there. (guy in a bird costume comes over to him and starts squatting as if to take a crap on him) Jeffrey Coulter: Don’t play with me. (fin) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
