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...Lindsey Lohan Director...Seth Meyers Director's Wife...Amy Poehler Studio Chief...Bill Hader Brent...Jason Sudeikis Candace...Kristen Wiig Doctor...Chris Parnell (OPEN ON A MOVIE STUDIO SOUNDSTAGE, FADE IN TO THE SOUNDSTAGE'S INTERIOR WHERE A MOVIE CAST IS CHATTING WITH THEIR DIRECTOR.) Studio Chief: OK folks, here's why I've called you in here today. As you know, the studio is going through a bit of a financial pinch. At the same time, we've had a lot of people miss days of work for various reasons, As a result, this slows down the production of our films and in doing so, wastes the money that goes into paying for them. That's why I've had to institute a temporary mandatory attendance policy until we can get out of the hole. (THE CAST IS DISSAPOINTED) Lindsay Lohan: Mandatory? But what if we have to do something else on the days we shoot? Studio Chief: Don't worry, Lindsey. I'm sure your agent can arange something that can be managable. This goes for the rest of you... Brent: Well, Actually this is my first movie, you don't have to worry about my not being here. Candace: And All I really have to worry about is a commercial for Dulcolax. Studio Chief: (AWKWARDLY) Um...Yeah, I didn't need to know about that. Candace: I'm not using it, It's just a voiceover for commercial! Studio Chief: I'm sure it is; Anyway, it seems as though everyone is accounted for...Except for our Director. (CHECKS HIS WATCH) Who's gonna be fired if he doesn't show up in 2 minutes... Director: (Offstage) I'm coming, I'm Coming! (THE DIRECTOR SHOWS UP FRANTICALLY PUSHING HIS PREGNANT WIFE IN A WHEELCHAIR.) Director: Just try to stay comfortable, I'll try to get this done as quickly as possible. Director's Wife: (BREATHING HEAVILLY) Take your time dear, the contractions haven't really kicked in yet. Studio Chief: Well, looks like someone is cutting it pretty close here. Director: Sorry sir, My wife's due any moment, I completly forgot about the new policy. It's just that with the baby... Studio Chief: I don't want to hear about it. We need to get this picture done as quickly as possible and you nearly scrapped the whole thing. Director: Yeah? Well, you try driving your pregnant wife down Ventura Highway during rush hour. Studio Chief: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just do your job. And remember, this is supposed to be a high tension drama! I've seen your dailies, they're pathetic! Director: But sir, this isn't a Suspense thriller, this is a Lifetime TV movie of a Danielle Steel novel! Studio Chief: I know that, but as long as it's being performed under my roof, it's gonna be whatever the hell I want it to be! Now then, If it helps, just tell them to push the envelope more, I want to see pure drama, got it? Director: Yes sir. Studio Chief: Alright, let's get this picture done! I'll see you all tomorrow, and I wanna see some good stuff. (STUDIO CHIEF WALKS OFF THE SET) Director: Ok folks, the chief says that there's not enough tension in this picture, So I'm going to start asking that you push the envelope a little. You can even improvise if you have to have to. Lindsay Lohan: Improvise? Are you sure that that's a good idea? I've read Danielle Steel novels for a while, and I've studied her past TV movies for this role and I don't think they're easy to improvise. Director: That's what the Chief wants, that's what the chief is gonna see. Just remember, keep pushing until you can deliver the shock value. Of course, we don't want to go too far, this is for the Lifetime Network. Lindsay Lohan: Yeah, about that, I was told by my manager that this would be an actual movie shown in theatres. Director: Lindsey my dear, Managers say a lot of things... (A BEAT) All right, places people, we're gonna start the shooting. This is the scene where Candace walks in on Brent with his mistress...That's you Lindsey. This is the climax of this movie, so I want to see a lot of emotions flowing... (THE DIRECTOR'S WIFE LETS OUT A PAINFUL SCREAM, SHE'S GOING INTO LABOR) Director's Wife: UGGGGH! Honey, I think it's time! Director: See, emotions like that...(A BEAT) Wait, What? Now?! Director's Wife: (BREATHING HEAVILLY) Oh man, I feel like I'm being ripped a new one. Director: Well, if you went for a C-Section like the doctor reccomended... Director's Wife: (HEAVY BREATHING) And keep all of this baby weight? Are you Nuts? I'm a Hollywood wife! Last thing I want to be is in the section of Star Magazine where they show stars without their makeup! Director: You're a cashier at Safeway! Director's Wife: AND YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! Director: Can somebody call a doctor to the set, please? (A DOCTOR ENTERS WITH A "HOUSE CALL" BAG OF MEDICAL SUPPLIES) Doctor: And like that, the director cues the doctor. How's that for convenient irony? Director: Glad You're here Jerry, she's ready to go and I need to start shooting. (TO WIFE) Don't worry, honey, Jerry's the best we got, you're in good hands. OK folks, let's get this going now, roll sound and camera, Jimbo? (A STAGEHAND BRINGS OUT A CLAPBOARD) Stagehand: "Danielle Steele's Passionate Rage" Scene 55, Take One (CLAPBOARD CLAPS) Director: (O.S.) Action! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND) Lindsay Lohan: Brent, we can't keep this up. It's only going to be a matter of time until your wife finds out. Brent: I highly doubt that that's going to happen, she's so in the dark about things that she needs a torch to see the truth. Lindsay Lohan: I'm just worried about what happens if she finds out. Brent: That's the Beauty part, she's what I like to call "Simple Minded" Director: (O.S.) Brent, Push it a little bit. Brent: She's what I like to call "Dumb" Doctor: (O.S.) Push! Brent: Uh, Stupid! Doctor: Push! Brent: ...Insolent! Doctor: Push! Brent: ...Retarded! Doctor: Push! Brent: ...An IQ Equivialnt to the President! Director: Cut, Cut, Cut! Brent, do me a favor and don't listen to the doctor, only listen to me. And Jerry, I know birthing can get pretty loud sometimes... Director's Wife: What is that supposed to mean, I thought this was your first kid...OUR First kid. What do you know about birthing? Director: (SIGH) I used to direct Episodes of "Baby Story" for TLC, those chicks can double as car alarms when they scream in pain. Trust me, you're the only one I've ever...Uh, did...this to. You're doing fine, But Dr. Jerry, try to keep it down when I'm filming. And Brent, you're in the right direction, but I think making fun of the president on a network that plays well in the Red States might be a Yellow flag; even if it is cable...(TO HIMSELF) Thank you very much FCC. OK, we're trying again, we're rolling, let's see that marker! Stagehand: "Passionate Rage" Take 2 (CLAPBOARD CLAPS) And Action! Director: Action! Brent: Listen, I know you have your concerns, but I assure you, this whole affair is so airtight, no one knows about it... Not even that Frigid Cow... (CANDACE WALKS IN A HUFF) Candace: So, You think I'm a Retarded Frigid Cow, huh? Brent: (IN SHOCK) Candace?! How much of that did you hear? Candace: Just enough to lay down grounds for divorce! How could you cheat on me with this Floozy? Doctor: (O.S.) All right, Push! Candace: Uh, this Hussy! Doctor: Push! Candace: ...This Slut! Doctor: Push! Candace: ...This Whore! Doctor: Push! Candace: ...This Streetwalking trollop who's probably got every concievable STD you can possibly think of...Including Herpes! You heard me, Herpes! Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! Jerry, I know you're doing your job, but you're interfering with my work over here. Director's Wife: Oh sure, it's you're work that you're worried about, and not the searing pain that I'm in. Director: That's why the doctor has Drugs, to help ease the pain from childbirth. Director's Wife: I'm a Scientologist, I'm not supposed to have any Drugs! Director: You're also not supposed to make a sound during birth, aren't you? Director's Wife: (HEAVY SIGH) OK, fine. I only said that I was in Scientology so I could meet John Travolta. Director: (DISGUSTED) Ewww, Why Travolta? Director's Wife: Well, Tom Cruise is already taken, so that leaves him. Director: Hon, He hasn't done anything good since "Battlefield Earth" and that made "Gigli" look like "Citizen Kane"! Director's Wife: (IN PAIN) He Was Barbarino! Director: That's not the point! You're disrupting the production, and if you want me to help support this thing, I gotta finish this to keep my job. Just do your best to relax, it's almost over (RETURNS TO HIS POST). Director's Wife: Yeah, then the Post-Partum will begin, Whoopee! Director: OK folks, We're gonna skip some scenes and cut to the part where Brent is Double-crossed and finds out that his lover is having an ultra-secret affair with his wife. Candace: What kind of Danielle Steele Novel is this? Director: One that she never published...OK, Places folks, Marker... Stagehand: "Passionate Rage" Scene 68, Take One. (CLAPBOARD CLAPS) Director: Action! Lindsay Lohan: Don't call your wife stupid, Brett! I'm the stupid one, I'm the one who's cheating on her...With You! Brent: What?! You mean...You (POINTS TO LOHAN) And You (POINTS TO CANDACE) Together? For how Long? Candace: It was long before I met you, Brett. I didn't think it'd make a difference. Doctor: (O.S.) OK, This is it, it's crowning! Get Ready to Push... Brent: I can't believe that this has been happening all this time! I feel like such a fool! Doctor: Push! Brent: ...An Idiot! Doctor: Push! Brent: ...A Schmuck! Doctor: Push! Brent: ...A Dumbass! Doctor: An Assho...(DIRECTOR CUTS HIM OFF) Director: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! Cut, Cut, Cut! What did I tell you, Only listen to the director! Not The Doctor! OK, change of Plans...Jerry, I want you to just get the baby out, I'll coach my Wife! Director's Wife: Oh, honey, you Do care! Director: Of course I do, also, I have an Idea. Brett, we're gonna pick things up from where we left off, This time, I want you to push when I say it, not the Doctor. OK? Marker! Stagehand: "Passionate Rage" Take 2...(CLAPBOARD CLAPS) Director: And Action! Brent: I knew it was gonna come to this sooner or later...(REACHES INTO A CABINET AND PRODUCES A GUN) Lindsay Lohan: Brett, what are you going to do with that? Brent: Something I should've done a long time ago, take this you Whore! (SHOOTS GUN AT LOHAN) Director: (O.S.) Push, Honey, Push! Brent: ...You Bitch! (FIRES GUN AGAIN) Candace: No! Director: Push! Brent: ...You Son of a Bitch! (FIRES GUN AGAIN) Candace: No! Director: Push! Brent: ...You Daughter of a Bastard! (FIRES GUN AGAIN) Candace: No! Director: One Last Push! Brent: ...You Stupid, Selfish Trollop who has nothing better to do than to have relations with women, and at the same time tries to interfere with said person's marrage even though I would've been perfectly fine with a three-way between the two of you, but never really knew if you were into that kind of thing, but it's too late to ask because I'm killing you now! DIIIIIIIEEEEE!!! (FIRES GUN AGAIN, A BABY CRIES IN THE BACKGROUND) Director: And Cut! Beautiful! That Baby cry we'll make a part of the story in the rewrite. Brent: Whew, Glad that's over, I didn't have anything else to say! Lindsay Lohan: Yeah, seriously, how many times was he gonna kill me? Director: What are you doing? that's Awesome Stuff, Keep going! When I said "Cut" I meant The Doctor and the Umbilical Cord! Doctor: Man, this thing's like a mile long! Director: Eww, On second thought (INTO BULLHORN) OK, Let's take 15 to clean up! (CUT TO PROMO OF MOVIE) Announcer: (V.O.) This Sunday, Lifetime presents the world Premiere of "Danielle Steele's 'Passionate Rage'", witness the intensity... (CUT TO POOR EDITING OF BRENT'S DIALOUGE) Brent: You...Stupid...Retarded...Schmuck...Bitch!...President... Announcer: The Drama... Candace: So, You think I'm a Retarded Frigid Cow, huh? Announcer: And of course, The Passionate Rage... Brent: I would've been perfectly fine with a three-way between the two of you... (ABRUPTLY CUT TO CANDACE) Candace: ...Herpes! You heard me, Herpes! Announcer: Catch "Passionate Rage" this Sunday at 8 On Lifetime, where women rule and men can go to hell! (FADE OUT) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
